Author Topic: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife  (Read 1081 times)

Offline stromboli (OP)

Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« on: November 13, 2015, 11:26:43 PM »
From r/exmormon......

Quote
This may not be the place to post this but...
I’m not gay. I can’t be gay. I’m not allowed to be gay. The whole world is designed around a man and a women, so whatever this is, it can’t be right. I’m not right. God how bad am I if I am gay? Walks over to book shelf pulls out Miracle of Forgiveness desperately hoping for words of hope and comfort; “Homosexuality is an ugly sin, repugnant to those who find no temptation in it…need to warn the uninitiated…” face becomes hot, hands shake as I place the book back on the shelf. I am as bad as I thought. Wait, no, I’m a child of God, it’s the actions that are bad, not me. As long as I don’t act on it, I’m not gay. I won’t be gay, I can’t be gay. I’m 18.
Spend the next 28 years wearing the armor of God to protect myself from, from myself. I will prove to God that I am worthy of this trial, my love for him is greater than my love for myself, I don’t matter, what I want, what I need, is nothing but a distraction leading me away from my mission in life.I hear the words from the pulpit echoing it’s better that a millstone be placed around my neck and thrown into a river than be gay. I serve a mission to beef up that armor, I marry in the temple because I am committed to living the life God intended for all his children to live. I have two beautiful children who are my world, my reward for a valiant fight.
How bad am I? I have been given so much. A good man, beautiful children and I have fallen in love with another woman, again. I play with the gun, I toy with idea. I’ve done all I can, I have sacrificed all I can. I can’t be gay, I’m just a vile, ungrateful daughter of God…and the baby kicks, and I put the gun and the idea away. Another love, another day, lost.
I live in silence. I serve in silence, I mother in silence. I feel like a fraud, to my family. and friends. My father tells me I’m the best thing he has ever done, he’s proud of me. My heart sinks when it should be swelling. All I can think is would he feel that way if he really knew me. My kids tell me what a great mom I am, and how much they love me, and all I can think is but would you if you knew me. My husband would like more intimacy in our marriage, I tell him I’m doing the best I can, it’s the most honest offering I can give him.
My testimony is feeling week, my husband is in Afghanistan, and my son just informed me he won’t be going on a mission. The life that all LDS parents plot out for their kids is crumbling at my feet. I have sacrificed everything for to raise my children in this church and set them on a path for eternal happiness. I need to strengthen my testimony but I have to read “I Nephi have been born…” one more time, no, I can’t do it. Church history. I can focus my efforts there, beside I’ve always wondered why the church needed apologetics in the first place.
FAIR. FARM. Wow, so many topics to choose from, this is perfect. I’ll start with JS and work my way to the present…wait, what did that say? Well, ok, that doesn’t sound right, but read on I’m sure they can explain this. Wow, they aren't explaining any of it, they are just justifying it. How could I have not known any of this, I served a mission, I taught GD classes…Oh hell no, this can’t be right!
3 days of reading later, my world view comes crashing down. 50 years & broken relationships, all for a lie I was told since I was a Sunbeam. I’ve not only lived my own lie, I’ve lived someone else’s. But I feel an enormous since of freedom being able to let go of the church. I feel a since of hope. Is it possible that God doesn’t see me like I was told he did?
I didn’t mean to live a lie, I meant to live a life God would be proud of. I wanted to walk into the arms of family and God and hear the words “Well done thou good and faithful servant. “ Now I wonder if the trial was for me to have the courage to just be me. And then I wonder, maybe there is no trial or purpose, no God, just us, caught in the age old struggle between right and wrong while society moves away from hate, from the “others” mentality towards a universal us.
Rumors abound that the church is softening its stance on gay rights and given enough time they will one day change their policy. Good for them I think, maybe there is hope for them. Maybe they will come clean with their history and move on with integrity. Baby steps I guess.
On November 5th they changed their policy. It’s basically an exodus order of all gays, lesbians and their children from the church unless celibate, married, or a child already baptized.
I’m left standing on the fringe, marginalized, tossed off like soiled laundry. Because they didn’t know me they gave me callings with their children, they had me teach their members, they asked for my opinions and trusted me with stewardship over the women of their wards. I haven’t changed.
Silence is no longer an option. My children need to make a mental and emotional connection with someone they know when the church preaches and enforces its new policy. It can’t be someone else’s problem. It needs to be theirs.
I look at my grandchildren and realize if I don’t come out of the closet they will be taught to see the gay community as “other”. My grandchildren will be taught that I am “other” not worth membership and saving ordinances. They will learn that the woman who rocks them and comforts them, and thinks they hung the moon is worse than a murderer or rapist.
At the end of the day, how I went from faithful member to someone worse than a rapist or murderer won’t matter. All that matters is how I answer the question “where do I go from here?” What I have seen as my reward for my valiancy in that former life in the church I now stand to lose. I think I raised them better. I hope they are the people I believe them to be. My heart hopes they can see that I was trying to be a faithful daughter of God, not a lier.


Offline Baruch

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2015, 11:32:34 PM »
I feel sorry for people in complicated situations, even when society is supportive ;-(
שלום

Offline SGOS

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2015, 11:34:42 PM »
This breaks my heart.

Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2015, 02:54:58 AM »
I feel sorry for people in complicated situations, even when society is supportive ;-(
Why did you have make that distinction? Why was it not enough to say you where sorry for this woman? That the mormon church is a hideous thing? No, you had to put an emphasis that the are other oppression as well.... Making excuses...
« Last Edit: November 15, 2015, 02:57:23 AM by facebook164 »

Offline Baruch

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2015, 08:24:34 AM »
Why did you have make that distinction? Why was it not enough to say you where sorry for this woman? That the mormon church is a hideous thing? No, you had to put an emphasis that the are other oppression as well.... Making excuses...

The point being ... it is even worse when society (in this case Mormonism) is unsupportive.  You didn't get my point ;-)
שלום

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2015, 09:22:14 AM »

The point being ... it is even worse when society (in this case Mormonism) is unsupportive.  You didn't get my point ;-)
Society? Which society? Definitely not the one she belongs (belonged) to: the mormon.

Offline Baruch

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2015, 10:41:16 AM »
Society? Which society? Definitely not the one she belongs (belonged) to: the mormon.

Yes, her Mormon community is unsupportive.  Regardless ... the larger society doesn't support gay people well either.
שלום

Offline Mermaid

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2015, 11:07:26 AM »
It is unbelievable to me that anyone who is paying attention would support doing this to a fellow human being.
We are tied to the ocean. And when we go back to the sea, whether it is to sail or to watch - we are going back from whence we came.

John F. Kennedy

Offline Baruch

Re: Out Of The Mouth Of A Mormon Housewife
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2015, 01:46:52 PM »
It is unbelievable to me that anyone who is paying attention would support doing this to a fellow human being.

Mass behavior, not individual conscience drives this.  The only news that sells is bad news.  And fear is a strong motivator.  So people vote their fear based on bad news.  For example the recent event in France may push the Le Pen wing into the French presidency ... aka like Sarkozy was the French Bush Jr ... but Ms Le Pen could be a French Hitler.

On the Mormons ... an unpublished speech by Joseph Smith, is that the US would become a monarchy ruled by a Mormon king (a kind of early Branch Davidian messiah).
שלום