Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian (The Onion)

[stromboli]

http://www.theonion.com/article/gay-teen-worried-he-might-be-christian-2888

LOUISVILLE, KYâ€"At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."

Added Faber, "I feel so confused."

The openly gay teen, who came out to his parents at age 14 and has had a steady boyfriend for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd stirring within himself every time he passed a church. The more conservative the church, Faber claimed, the stronger his desire was to enter it.

"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened teenager said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing dogma hidden away from my parents, teachers, and schoolmates is tearing me apart."


Faber's sock drawer is home to a number of illicit magazines he has secretly accepted from street preachers.
According to Faber, his first experience with evangelical Christianity was not all that different from other gays his age.

"Sure, I looked at the Book of Leviticus once or twiceâ€"everybody has," Faber said. "We all experiment a little bit with that stuff when we're growing up. But I was just a kid. I didn't think it meant anything."

Faber's instinct was to deny these early emotions. But recently, the Louisville teen admitted, the feelings have grown stronger, making him wonder more and more what life as a born-again right-wing fundamentalist would be like.

"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I know it's wrong, but I wanted so badly to do it anyway. I even made one of those signs with photos of dead fetuses and hid it in my closet. I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."

Faber's parents, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical gay son is merely going through a conservative Christian phase.

"I caught him watching The 700 Club once when he thought he was alone in the house, and last week, I found some paperbacks from the Left Behind series hidden in his sock drawer," his mother, Eileen Faber, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will love and accept my son no matter what."

Faber's father was far less tolerant in his comments.

"No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas."

He added, "I just want my normal gay son back."

I put this under humor and pointed out it is from the onion, so don't come back with any wtf? responses, please.

[Solitary]

Before I got to the end I almost put  .   Funny though.

[TomFoolery]

I remember this one from last year really had me rolling. Any article that can use the phrase "tumescent phallus" will win me over, no matter the rest of the content.

So-Called Christian Has Erection

COLORADO SPRINGS, COâ€"Alarmed and appalled sources confirmed today that in complete defiance of his biblical duty to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God, local 27-year-old and so-called Christian Jeff Daugherty currently has an erection.

Daugherty, who claims to abide by the word of the Lord and walk in the footsteps of Jesus, is nonetheless now in a state of physical arousal, a development that has sent shockwaves through his community and deeply troubled his fellow churchgoers.

“How could anyone who professes to be a Christian fall to such shameful depths?” said Janet Hindsley, a member of Daugherty’s church who told reporters she was stunned and disgusted at news of the man’s engorged genitals. “I know people are capable of these kinds of ghastly practices. I’m not naïve. But you just don’t expect this sort of sinful behavior from someone you worship with every Sunday.”

“The thought that I’ve probably shared a pew with him before makes me sick to my stomach,” she added, shaking her head in revulsion.

Though Daugherty reportedly reads the Bible almost every day and regularly speaks out about his faith, sources said his present titillated condition puts him repulsively at odds with his assertion that he has accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. While many church members said they are praying for the soul of a man they believe has gone down a dark path, others are calling for the “pervert” and “heretic” to be expelled from their congregation.

According to Darren Howe, who belongs to the same men’s prayer group as Daugherty, this isn’t the first time the purported believer in the Holy Scripture has become erect.

“He confided to me that he gets them at least once a week, and sometimes every day,” said Howe with visible distaste, adding that while he was revolted by the admission, he encouraged Daugherty in his battle to remain pure before the eyes of the Lord. “Apparently he’s even woken up in the morning with one, as horribly depraved as that is. And this is a man who has children! He’s got that… that thing under the same roof as his kids!”

“How could Jeff let his body become an instrument of Satan?” he continued. “He must renounce this evil in his life and repent.”

Fearing Daugherty may bring his tumescent phallus into their place of worship Sunday, some church members have appealed to their pastor, the Rev. Allen Whitlock, to prevent the “insult to all creation” from entering God’s house.

“While it’s true we are all sinners, that doesn’t give us an excuse to live as wickedly as we please,” Whitlock said when reached for comment. “I’ve known Jeff a long time. I’ve had dinner at his house. I’ve prayed with his family at their kitchen table. It unnerves me to think that right there in his lap, out of sight and inches away from me, Jeff might very well have been quietly sinning. Because even if no one else can see it, the Lord can.”

“Do I want a man singing songs of praise in my church while his body is flush with such impurity?” he continued. “No, I do not. It’s an abomination, and it must stop.”

At press time, the pastor stood before a hastily convened vigil outside Daugherty’s house, urging his congregation to pray for the fallen man’s erection to retreat and remain dormant so that he might one day resume his walk with God.

[Solitary]

Is that like an erect clitoris? 

[SGOS]

I wish I could hang out at the Onion for a day.  But with my luck, that would be the day it got bombed.

[kilodelta]

I had an erection once. But, I just let Jesus come inside me and it cleared it all up.

[stromboli]

I had an erection once. But, I just let Jesus come inside me and it cleared it all up.