Seriously need some opinionated advice on important decision

[LovingBeing]

Hello everyone.  I hope you are all well.  I have not posted here in awhile, as I have been busy with work during the day, and school at night.  This is an issue that I generally like to keep private about myself, as I do not fit the stereotypes, that most people see, or think of.  I am a Latino gay male, 43 years of age.  I come from a very Catholic family, and live with a very Catholic roommate.  For the most part, I am a closeted atheist. 

I am a very monogamous man, by choice, because for some reason, I feel that to be natural for me personally.  I believe in marriage and being a good man to both my partner and the world.  I found someone exactly like this, who is the nicest, most caring person.  We have been dating for almost 2 years now and want to get married.  He lives in Mexico and we plan to get married there.  Here is where the problem comes in.  When we first met, I was still Catholic.  I became an atheist last year.  Ironically, it was on Christmas day of 2014.  My partner does not know this.  I am fearful because he says he cannot wait to make our love official through god, and get married in a Catholic church.  I truly want to get married, but it's because I choose this with my heart, not because of a god. 

This has been eating away at me for months.  He always exclaims how happy he is that god brought me into his life.  I am afraid that I will lose the best person I have ever met in my life, if he learns that I am an atheist.  Yet, at the same time, I have not been able to sleep because of this.  I worry about it constantly.  I do not know if I should just keep my atheism a secret, and just go along with a religious ceremony, or if I should just man up, and tell him the truth that I am an atheist.  I am afraid his feelings will change for me, even though, I am still the same person I always was, even when I was religious.  There is this big part of me, I guess it's the way I am genetically programmed, that does not like to lie about things.  I am confused as to what to do because I do not want to lose the one person who I finally found love with.  I hope some of you could give me your different opinions and opinionated advice for me, too.  What would some of you do in my situation, regardless, of your sexual orientation, or gender?  I sincerely appreciate your time for reading this.

Take care,
Marco

[TomFoolery]

I am afraid that I will lose the best person I have ever met in my life, if he learns that I am an atheist.  Yet, at the same time, I have not been able to sleep because of this.

If the core values you believe about the universe are enough to end a relationship with you, which are you willing to say is more important? Your beliefs, or your spouse? I feel like anyone who really loved you would love you for you, even if you had conflicting beliefs on God.

My husband was raised Catholic but isn't devout and doesn't necessarily think about religion all that much. We mostly just never discuss faith, and my atheism isn't a big deal to him. I feel lucky in this way, but I don't really try to impress my (lack of) belief on him. We just let each other do our own thing in that regard.

I worry about it constantly.  I do not know if I should just keep my atheism a secret, and just go along with a religious ceremony, or if I should just man up, and tell him the truth that I am an atheist. 

I wasn't aware many Catholic churches were willing to marry gay couples. If you found one, that's pretty cool. That aside, for me, if my husband had wanted to be married in a church, I probably would have gone along with it. I've been an atheist for years and I've still stepped foot in churches. To me, they are just places, and the ceremonies are just superstition. If they are important to someone else, I'm fine with just being present. So if I were in your situation and my partner knew I was an atheist but still asked if I minded being married in a church by a priest, I'd probably just roll with it out of compromise because it doesn't matter to me.

But that's just me. I feel like if I were actually you, a gay man wanting to marry my partner in a Catholic church, I would take more issue with being married by an institution that inherently dislikes me just for whom I love.

[TomFoolery]

Obnoxious double post.

[SGOS]

In my case, I would not hide my atheism from a significant other.  Gosh, No.  Never!  Ever!  You don't hide things like that.  You don't know if it's a big deal to him or not, but for his sake, he deserves some of your honesty, and this is a biggy.  It could result in you getting dumped, not a great prospect, I admit, but it could result in him not even caring, which would be even better than it is now.

It makes sense to let your partner make his own decisions about your relationship, as much as it does for you to have that freedom.  A good relationship should not be based on tricking and deceiving your partner into loving you.  That kind of relationship behavior should be left in high school.

That's just my two cents.  Do what you think is best.  It may or may not work out, which is how life is.  Things don't always go the way you want.  There's nothing new here, but honesty has it's own rewards too.

[Baruch]

Never lie, particularly before the wedding!  Have your own integrity.  If the partner has integrity, they will reward you for honesty, not punish you for it.  If they punish you, then they are not worthy of you, and someone better is waiting for you.  If they love you unconditionally, then go for it!

[aitm]

I am befuddled that women would follow a religion that not only suggests they are second class but demands they be treated as such, but to be fair, I am particularly sad that gays would follow and proudly recognize any religion that demands that they should be killed because of LOVE, the very reason their religion exists, with the caveat that in order to belong to their religion you must accept the demand that you should kill your partner for loving you so that you may have the grace in your religion that would condemn you.

Thats some fucked up shit there.

[GSOgymrat]

My husband is a progressive Catholic and I'm secular humanist. We get along fine because even though our beliefs are different our basic values are the same. Since you are explicitly requesting "opinionated advice" I think the fact you are so troubled by this issue is a clear indication you need to discuss your thoughts on religion with him. I know you fear losing him but if you continue to keep important things from him he isn't really loving you for who you actually are. You know, one of the things he might love most about you is that you value honesty.

I also suggest that you not just proclaim "I'm an atheist" but start with a discussion about what each of you believe and value. Shortly after my husband and I met 23 years ago we read a book aloud on a long car trip called "The Book of Questions." It was a series of questions that examined values, such as "Would you be willing to give up sex for a year if you knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you now have?" or "If you were handed an envelope with the date of your death inside, and you knew you could do nothing to alter your fate, would you look?" It was a fun way to get to know each other better and lead to some deep discussions. Some similar approach might make it easier to start a discussion about what happened on Christmas last year.

[Munch]

This is the best time to really discover at each other's core what both matters to you, both about each other, and truly test those waters. Just remember being gay itself is considered a sin in Catholicism, so seen how he's not let his obvious love for you be hampered by his faith, there's a chance the same will be between his belief and your atheism.

[SoldierofFortune]

gay marriage is already forbidden in catholicism. being gay is a sin.
it doesn't change anything to explain you are an atheist.

[Munch]

gay marriage is already forbidden in catholicism. being gay is a sin.
it doesn't change anything to explain you are an atheist.

Yeah. Though I'm guessing it's important to marco's bf, I've known some very nice gay guys who themselves are Catholic due to upbringing, and often it's so engrained it's hard for them to let go of.
Maybe he will realize how awful Catholicism is to gays in time Marco, but for now best to let's him be happy with what he has, as well as letting him know what matters to you.

[SoldierofFortune]

Yeah. Though I'm guessing it's important to marco's bf, I've known some very nice gay guys who themselves are Catholic due to upbringing, and often it's so engrained it's hard for them to let go of.
Maybe he will realize how awful Catholicism is to gays in time Marco, but for now best to let's him be happy with what he has, as well as letting him know what matters to you.

i don't understand why it's so important to get married and sign a paper that confirms they are married.
i think living together is enough.

[Munch]

i don't understand why it's so important to get married and sign a paper that confirms they are married.
i think living together is enough.

For some people, its important to them.
I would argue that despite religions saying so, marriage is not founded on their religion, and was instead a state thing of people coming together in ceremony, something christianity didn't invent, so holding on that principle getting married isn't a religious act.

[Mermaid]

This discussion needs to happen yesterday. Every minute that passes causes an increase in the size of the crack that is already forming between you. This is a fundamental relationship issue.

I am not talking about religion. I am talking about honesty and trust.

[drunkenshoe]

I haven't read the other resposes, but whatever the reason is, building up a relationship on a secret -which is a lie- is likely to end bad. And it would also hurt two people in the process for a long time.  And you are in anxiety and extreme worry right now, it is not going to go away after signing a paper. Marriage is not some other life in another universe starts just after a signature.

Imagine that you got married without telling this to him and he somehow he found out which is always highly possible. Or imagine what it would feel like not to share something this fundamental with the person you'll share your life 24/7 and probably will have to play some dumb role constantly. It would be so exhausting, eventually you will be very unhappy though you love him very much, this will end up making both of you very miserable.

If I were you, I would sit down and talk to him about it openly. It will probbaly be difficult, but you need to do this if you love him and plan to be with him all your life.

Are you sure, he would take it very badly? That he wouldn't accept you as you are? 

[drunkenshoe]

About some responses in this thread on what is sin in Catholicism or not, why you think marriage is bad, but living together is good, this is a personal issue.

It's NOT something decided/affected by rules of Catholicism; and what counts according to the religion OR what people think about marriage in general.