What is the single most stupid, batshit story in the Bible?

[Baruch]

The Book of Job is a reworked pagan wisdom literature ... that had a Jewish beginning and ending added on.  This is one of the few places Satan is mentioned in the Bible ... in this case as the evil vizier of G-d.  The additions are pathetic IMHO also.  The middle parts, the arguments of Job's friends, deals with all the excuses people come up with for the cruelty of G-d.  Needless to say, whether religious or not, people wonder why bad things happen.  In theology this is called theodicy.  The ending basically says, that G-d is a bigger bully than you ... not good theology ... but I think truthful.  Believing in a nice god, given the world as it is, is childish.  The Bible is adult literature/propaganda ... it was never meant for children ... including the blood porn parts.  Basically it says that the world is an ugly mess, and that it is up to people to deal with it, no matter what blessings or cursing some your way.  I have a coworker with a bad back, who fell and broke her shoulder before she can get her back operated on.  She is livid with rage, because she is in a really bad way, even though she has her teenage son to help her.  Don't know if she will follow the advice of Job's wife ... and curse G-d or not.  My personal position is to continue to live day to day, and remind G-d that this sucks, mostly.  Gratitude for the small good things, but despising over the big bad things.  G-d makes a very bad parent or boss ... a monster.

[Mike Cl]

G-d makes a very bad parent or boss ... a monster.

Verily, I say unto you.....................

[AllPurposeAtheist]

I'm pretty sure that all sin originating from some woman eating fresh fruit is pretty fucked up.  To this day whenever I'm at the market and see a woman pick up an apple I can't help but to think she should be put to death on the spot so I always keep several thousand rocks in my pocket to stone them to death at a moments notice. .

[Baruch]

My favorite scene in Life of Brian ... is where the liberate women show up in fake beards, because they don't want to be left out of the stoning ;-)

The swallowing of Jonah was mythical, because the beast is Leviathan.  Leviathan and Behemoth were mythical beasts who were left alive from primeval times.  Behemoth was slain early on, but the Leviathan won't be slain until the End Times.  In imagination, Leviathan is what is for supper, at the Heavenly Last Supper ... hopefully not as such ;-)  Think of it as an enormous fugu.

So basically Jonah wanted to flee from G-d, because he didn't want to prophesy.  And he found out that this was futile, because of Last Judgement.  So he agreed to go to Nineveh (Assyrian capital of iniquity) to preach to the Gentiles to repent, so that G-d doesn't destroy them.  Jonah hates Gentiles, and doesn't want them to repent ... but surprisingly they do, and so they are saved.  This really pisses off Jonah.  Jonah is the archetype of the Jew who wants all the Gentiles to go to Hell ... but this isn't G-d's plan.  There was a Jewish boy once, who asked his father, "Why did G-d make so many Gentiles?" ... the father replies, "Because Hell isn't full yet!".  Hate is the problem here, not who is the object of the hate.

[NakedTracyBlack]

How about when God killed 70,000 people because David took a census.  (A census that it seems like God told him to take, or the devil told him to take it, or god told the devil to tell him to take it, I'm not really sure)

God: I know what'll teach David not to count his people!  Killing 70,000 of them.

It's confusing, because part of Samuel seems to suggest god told him to take that census.  So basically:

God: You took the census I told you to take?!  I'm going to kill 70,000 people because of that!

[Solitary]

Tracy, you're just upset that Eve got all the glory and not Lilith that liked to be on top during sex. Just kidding, inside joke.

[Baruch]

By all means, read up on Lilith ... not the character from Cheers, but there is a similarity ;-)  All the good stuff got left out of the Bible.

[ApostateLois]

In Genesis 30, we read the story of how Jacob acquired a huge flock of sheep from the wealth of Laban. He did this by removing all of the brown, spotted, and striped sheep from Laban's flocks, saying that if he ended up with any white sheep, Laban would know he had stolen them. Or something. Anyway, he apparently didn't have any understanding of genetics whatsoever, because in order to ensure that his sheep continued giving birth to stripey lambs, he cut stripes into some sticks from poplar, chestnut, and hazel trees and then put the sticks in or near the drinking troughs where the sheep could see them as they mated. (Verses 35-39)

Now, I remember my mother saying that her stepmother believed that if a pregnant woman ate strawberries, she'd give birth to a baby with a strawberry birthmark. In many societies, pregnant women are forbidden to eat certain foods, or even to look at certain objects, lest their babies be born deformed or dead. I assume that similar beliefs existed in Hebrew society in the past, resulting in the absurd story in Genesis of animals having striped and spotted offspring simply because they had looked upon sticks with stripes and spots cut into them. God is supposed to grant wisdom, but he sure didn't bother in Jacob's case.

[Atheon]

"In the beginning, god created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1

[peacewithoutgod]

So much craziness, don't think I pick just one which isn't too close to the batshit craziness of other stories in that collection of shit-doodles. There's the actual ritual sacrifice of King Jephtah's daughter, who obediently returned to be killed by her father after he allowed her one more day to roam (uh-huh). Does that beat the story of Lot's daughters saying "let's get our father drunk so that he won't know it's us while we're fucking him, because the god of Abraham wants us to have his incest babies"...hmmm...then there's Jonah, talking to his god from inside the belly of the whale, for days on end, no trouble breathing, emerges unscathed by stomach acid. Yup.

[Baruch]

Of course prehistoric Irish legends are much more logical ;-)

[Unbeliever]

This one's my pick for the bugfuck craziest story in the whole book:

And, behold, there came an old man from his work out of the field at even, which was also of mount Ephraim; and he sojourned in Gibeah: but the men of the place were Benjamites.
And when he had lifted up his eyes, he saw a wayfaring man in the street of the city: and the old man said, Whither goest thou? and whence comest thou?
And he said unto him, We are passing from Bethlehemjudah toward the side of mount Ephraim; from thence am I: and I went to Bethlehemjudah, but I am now going to the house of the LORD; and there is no man that receiveth me to house.
Yet there is both straw and provender for our asses; and there is bread and wine also for me, and for thy handmaid, and for the young man which is with thy servants: there is no want of any thing.
So he brought him into his house, and gave provender unto the asses: and they washed their feet, and did eat and drink.
Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, the old man, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him. 
And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.
Behold, here is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you: but unto this man do not so vile a thing.
But the men would not hearken to him: so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning: and when the day began to spring, they let her go.
Then came the woman in the dawning of the day, and fell down at the door of the man's house where her lord was, till it was light.
And her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way: and, behold, the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold.
And he said unto her, Up, and let us be going. But none answered. Then the man took her up upon an ass, and the man rose up, and gat him unto his place.
And when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.
And it was so, that all that saw it said, There was no such deed done nor seen from the day that the children of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt unto this day: consider of it, take advice, and speak your minds.

Judges 19:16-30

[Baruch]

Notice this is a reply of the Sodom story with Lot.  And that story was about hospitality, not gay rape.

This is biblical snuff porn.  These stories were declaimed around hearth fires and camp fires, while eating kosher smores.

[peacewithoutgod]

Dude, are you fucking serious? Lot offered in exchange for that male stranger his own daughter to be raped by that mob! Being gay, they didn't desire her, but they did kill her. I can't believe this was more than a story, but it was despicable testament to the value which the society of that time had for women.

[Baruch]

The slow rise of women, after repeated gang rape by invading warriors, or casual rape by slave owners, who then produce sons who repeat a generational cycle of violence, is a heroic one.  The Russians did the same thing to German women in 1945.

The position of women in Hebrew society was a little greater than among the civilized Europeans.  Women were mostly free under barbaric European tribes.  In Jewish law women could at least inherit in their own name (case law of sisters who had no brothers to play patriarch).  This was denied to American women until the 19th century in many cases.  Among most Greek women, they were kept indoors and secluded like later Arab society which adopted the more civilized Greek customs.  Pagan Arab women were free.  Spartan women were free also.  But Roman women were the most wretched ... in classic Latin society ... women didn't even have given names ... no more than you would name a favorite horse or chair.  A Roman name of "Julia" only meant a woman of the Julian clan.  "Barbara" meant a European but non-Roman/non-Greek woman.  At least Greek women had given names.  The invasion of horse riding, chariot driving nomads is usually negative.