What is the single most stupid, batshit story in the Bible?

[1liesalot]

Personally, I like the 2000 suicidal pigs story, an account of which can be found here in (Luke 8:32-33)

http://www.bibletrektoday.com/tag/suicidal-pigs/

“A large heard of pigs was feeding there on the hillside.  The demons begged Jesus to let them go into them, and He gave them permission.  When the demons came out of the man, they went into the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned".

[TomFoolery]

The sin of Onan.

Genesis 38:8-10 (NASB) Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord; so He took his life also.

So man doesn't want to have sex with his brother's wife, so he ejaculates on the ground and God kills him. Everyone wins. And it then resulted in more than a millennia of boys being told they'll go blind and develop hair on their palms if they masturbate.

[Mike Cl]

There are just too many to pick only one.

[Munch]

I'd really have to go with the binding of issac. It has to be one of the most fucked up stories the bible touts. I would have put sodom and gomorrah on there, but that story is more about how fucking stupid Christians are "We're all homosexuals, and we want to fuck you!" - "No, here, have my daughter instead" - "Alright, we gays will fuck your daughter instead!".

But the binding of issac is just proof, that the god of the bible such a depraved and fucked up character, in how he would push a father into murdering his own son, all for his 'divine love', and the only reason he stops is because of an angel god sends saying "its okay, you don't have to do that after all, the fact you were going to do it means your worthy".

imagine stories like in the bible, as real life stories. Now see how these stories are about fucked up people doing fucked up things, and yet preachers try to convince their followers these are stories to live by.

[Baruch]

My favorite is Baalam's ass ... the donkey can see the angel warning Baalam to stop ... and simply lays down or sits down, and Baalam can't beat him enough to make him go forward.  And the ass and Baalam have a conversation about it ;-)  "Why are you beating me, can't you see that angel who is guarding the way?".  A very early version of "Saved By An Angel".

On the binding of Isaac.  If this was a Canaanite story ... then the sacrifice would have proceeded, and the fertility of the fields and the fecundity of the livestock assured.  Since it didn't, this is actually a statement against child sacrifice (actually Isaac was a young man at the time ... but we still sacrifice those on battlefields all over) ... it is actually progressive.  Now the crucifixion of Jesus is of course directly related ... this young man does his duty which leads to a judicial sacrifice of a Son ... that the Father approves.  Baal, the god of the Canaanites was a dying/rising god ... and is the predecessor of Jesus, as any Jew could tell you, well before Mithras.  Jesus is accused of being a form of Baal ... Baal-ze-bub.

[Mike Cl]

My favorite is Baalam's ass ... the donkey can see the angel warning Baalam to stop ... and simply lays down or sits down, and Baalam can't beat him enough to make him go forward.  And the ass and Baalam have a conversation about it ;-)  "Why are you beating me, can't you see that angel who is guarding the way?".  A very early version of "Saved By An Angel".

On the binding of Isaac.  If this was a Canaanite story ... then the sacrifice would have proceeded, and the fertility of the fields and the fecundity of the livestock assured.  Since it didn't, this is actually a statement against child sacrifice (actually Isaac was a young man at the time ... but we still sacrifice those on battlefields all over) ... it is actually progressive.  Now the crucifixion of Jesus is of course directly related ... this young man does his duty which leads to a judicial sacrifice of a Son ... that the Father approves.  Baal, the god of the Canaanites was a dying/rising god ... and is the predecessor of Jesus, as any Jew could tell you, well before Mithras.  Jesus is accused of being a form of Baal ... Baal-ze-bub.

Baruch, I really like reading your stuff.  I had not realized that Baal was a dying/rising god.  That sheds light on a couple of things for me.  No wonder Christianity is so warlike.  The Fathers have been sending their sons to sacrifice themselves on the field of battle forever. 

[Hydra009]

The crucifixion.

*cult leader is executed by the authorities*

Cult reaction:  "He's still alive!  All part of the divine plan!"

Roman soldier:  *facia palm*

[SGOS]

I always gravitate to the one about the  guy getting swallowed by Moby Dick.  He hangs out for three days in a stomach full of gastric juices, and then the whale vomits him out, and he can still see, use his limbs, and talk, and presumably, he didn't even smell that bad.  What did he breath in there?  Now that's the kind of miracle we need more of today.  I'm simply not impressed when someone reports they've seen an image of the Virgin Mary in bread mold.

[GSOgymrat]

I'm a sucker for a happy ending... and fact I'm bald has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24

One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.


For more Bible fun, click here: http://listverse.com/2008/01/31/top-10-bizarre-biblical-tales/

[Mike Cl]

I'm a sucker for a happy ending... and fact I'm bald has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Found in: 4 Kings 2:23-24

One of the more inspirational passages in the Bible tells the story of Elijah, a wise man, yet one cursed with male pattern baldness. One day he was minding his own business, making the long walk to Bethel, when he is attacked by a roving band of children who tease him with names like “bald head.” But Elijah was having none of this, he turns round and curses them in the name of the Lord, and instantly two female bears emerge from a nearby wood and maul all 42 children to death.


For more Bible fun, click here: http://listverse.com/2008/01/31/top-10-bizarre-biblical-tales/

This one has always been one of my favorites.

[Baruch]

I would suspect the "youths" which would be an adult male not yet married ... were doing some feral gangsta' rappin'.  The two she-bears would be agents of the copy-write holder, enforcing their intellectual rights against such bold plagiarism ;-)  I like it better, when Spock just pinches the young man unconscious, then turns off his boom box.

There are many dying/rising gods ... but the fact that Baal was worshipped on top of a mountain in Syria/Lebanon, and is the nearest analogous dying/rising god ... along with Osiris, who was famous in Egypt, but may have originated very early in Lebanon ... means there are plenty of clued to go by.  The priests of Baal went up on the mountain to worship him.  Also Sin is the name of the Syrian moon god, worshipped up in Harran, where Abraham hails from ... though I suspect Abraham was a Hurrian, rather than a Semite ... because this ties him back to Noah's Ark which was a story from Hurri aka Armenia.  Semites don't hail from Armenia.  The Jewish people still use a lunar calendar (the solar one was popularized in Egypt) and call themselves "people of the Moon".  So what is Mt Sin-ai?  In Midian perhaps?  Or just confused for a different mountain called Mt Horeb (in Midian).  And there is that strange contest between prophet Elijah and the prophets of Baal on Mt Carmel ... a very ancient cult site since Neanderthals were found there.  The opposition between the Moon god people and the Mountain god people .. got complicated.  Sun god people are clearly exposed to too much Sun ;-)  And those Philistines with their sea god worship were a bit fishy too (Dagon is half man, half fish .. but that goes back to Eridu, the first city, at the head of the Persian Gulf.  PS, in a few places, the Jewish god is referred to as a young man of war ... King David was that god's incarnation.  But then Allah is clearly a war god also, of the Arabic cousins ... who say that Ishmael was nearly sacrificed, not Isaac.

[Termin]

 This one

Jesus Curses the Fig Tree

12 On the following day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry. 13 And seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see if he could find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. 14 And he said to it, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard it.

and shortly after that he goes on to flip all the tables of the money lenders.

It would probably make a great snickers commerical though.

[Munch]

This one

Jesus Curses the Fig Tree

12 On the following day, when they came from Bethany, he was hungry. 13 And seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to see if he could find anything on it. When he came to it, he found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. 14 And he said to it, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his disciples heard it.

and shortly after that he goes on to flip all the tables of the money lenders.

It would probably make a great snickers commerical though.

So the lesson is, if nature doesn't obey God's shitty little son, everyone else can starve.

[SGOS]

And the fig tree sayeth onto itself, "Damn it.  I've been cursed.  Woe unto me."

[Sal1981]

Just read the entirety of the book of Job. If you want to get a feel for how fucking stupid the goat-fuckers of old thought of their deity then I recommend reading just that part of the Babble to get a feel for what they imagined their god to be like. spoiler alert: a fucking psychopath.