Author Topic: Writing a fanfic, need critique.  (Read 2713 times)

Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« on: April 26, 2015, 04:00:25 PM »
The fanfic is called You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login. The plot and setting are pretty much there in the title. This is the first fanfic I've written in 5 years, and also my first crossover work, so I'm treading very carefully.

Basic critique I want is the following:
  • Is my writing lifeless and/or has too much purple prose?
  • Is the plot moving too fast/slow?
  • Is the story easy to follow?
  • Did I ever break suspension of disbelief?
Be brutal, be honest. Sugarcoating it won't help me!
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Offline Mr.Obvious

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2015, 04:03:17 PM »
I am so going to read the shit out of that, I love RWBY.

Also, great to know I'm not the only one working on fanfiction. (Though I remain kind of embarrased about it...)

Quote
Their battle took place in Tokyo, a city that for nearly a century seemed to attract kaiju like moths to flame.

More like: mothra to a flame? (Sorry, yanglike pun thrown in there.)

Quote
She fired some maser blasts to stun Godzilla while she righted the cyborg, and then took to the air.

Maybe 'maser' is something I don't know because I'm not the biggest Kaiju fan, but it seems to me like you meant laser blasts.

All in all, I like this prologue. It's well written and you write well enough to paint the picture. Though it was a short fight, it was a good one. And I know how hard fights are to write, so I'm looking forward to seeing the RWBY crew in action.
One thing I did catch was that you start your prologue 'explaining' what has happened before the fight and what lead to it. But your jump from that to the fight is less fluid than the rest of the chapter.

Quote
Their battle took place in Tokyo, a city that for nearly a century seemed to attract kaiju like moths to flame. Emi kept MKG in orbit, waiting for Godzilla to make landfall. When Godzilla finally appeared in the city, she guided MKG down with blinding speed, ramming the Monster King from orbit. Only MKG’s inertial dampening systems prevented the shock from killing its pilot.

The problem, or at least the minor nuisance if you can even call it that, lies in this paragraph, I think.

The first sentence is still part of the 'narration' that goes before the fight. The rest that follows belongs to the actual fight. I think you'd be better off making one more 'narration' paragraph starting with  "Their battle took place in Tokyo, a city that for nearly a centure seemed to attract kaiju like moths to a flame." and sepperating that from the rest. Say something more about the current state of the city, perhaps. Or how Emi, on the orders of her commanders valiantly met the challenge head on and that that, was where they found themselves; ready for one last, monstrous battle of epic proportions. (I'm trust your phrasing would be leagues ahead.)
And then have the next paragraph like your original one, but without the first sentence. But instead of that sentence; open up with something like 'Emi was the first to arrive'. (And then make it 'she kept MKG...')

But all in all, it's a great prologue and I'm hyped to read more.

P.S. If you prefer comments on the website of the story itself, please let me know.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2015, 04:30:10 PM by Mr.Obvious »
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Offline trdsf

Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2015, 05:02:06 PM »
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I am so going to read the shit out of that, I love RWBY.

Also, great to know I'm not the only one working on fanfiction. (Though I remain kind of embarrased about it...)

Nothin' wrong with fanfic.  It lets you work on your craft in a pre-built universe so you can focus on your style.  Building a consistent universe is not always easy.

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More like: mothra to a flame? (Sorry, yanglike pun thrown in there.)

I am so stealing this.
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #3 on: April 26, 2015, 05:06:58 PM »
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Maybe 'maser' is something I don't know because I'm not the biggest Kaiju fan, but it seems to me like you meant laser blasts.
No, I definitely meant maser.



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One thing I did catch was that you start your prologue 'explaining' what has happened before the fight and what lead to it. But your jump from that to the fight is less fluid than the rest of the chapter.
I was worried about that, and I'll probably go back and edit it a bit when I get a minute.
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Offline Mr.Obvious

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2015, 05:10:30 PM »
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No, I definitely meant maser.



I see. Learn something new everyday :D
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Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2015, 05:27:18 PM »
I went ahead and made the edit. I think it should pretty well smooth out the transition from narration to fight.
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Offline Mr.Obvious

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2015, 05:57:06 PM »
Much better.
Now the only thing I feel I can point out is that in the new paragraph, second sentence, you use 'city' twice in the same sentence.
Other than that; well paced, well written. Looking forward to more.
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Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2015, 06:14:52 PM »
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Now the only thing I feel I can point out is that in the new paragraph, second sentence, you use 'city' twice in the same sentence.
Dust dammit, this is why I need to proofread more.
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Offline Mr.Obvious

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2015, 06:26:15 PM »
No worries.
You should see mine. They are filled with the buggers.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

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Offline drunkenshoe

Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2015, 03:14:49 PM »
No slash in it.
'the wise man does not seek enlightenment, he waits for it. so while ı was waiting, it occurred to me that seeking perplexity might be more fun.’ - lu-tze

Offline Solitary

Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2015, 03:55:39 PM »
Why Godzilla and not an original villain, like androgynous Raven? Or Bruce Gender Bender?  :eek: :super:
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Offline drunkenshoe

Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2015, 04:03:37 PM »
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Why Godzilla and not an original villain, like androgynous Raven? Or Bruce Gender Bender?  :eek: :super:

Godzilla is not a villain.  :sad2: Other little things running around shooting at him are.

'the wise man does not seek enlightenment, he waits for it. so while ı was waiting, it occurred to me that seeking perplexity might be more fun.’ - lu-tze

Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2015, 04:49:03 PM »
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Why Godzilla and not an original villain, like androgynous Raven? Or Bruce Gender Bender?  :eek: :super:
If you've read the prologue and synopsis, I think I made it pretty clear that Godzilla is not the villain. :P
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Offline trdsf

Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2015, 07:52:02 PM »
Wasn't it someone on this forum who said that if you play a Godzilla movie backwards, it's about a kindly monster who rebuilds Tokyo then moonwalks into the sea?

I am so using that somewhere... I know it's not original with me, but I'm definitely stealing it.  :D
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

Offline Hijiri Byakuren

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Re: Writing a fanfic, need critique.
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2015, 02:44:59 AM »
And You are not allowed to view links. Register or Login, finally.
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