Favorite God jokes? God's facebook page, Genesis edition

Started by emilynghiem, February 16, 2015, 02:23:25 PM

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emilynghiem

http://www.collegehumor.com/post/3739519/the-facebook-of-genesis

^ My favorite God humor is God's facebook page Genesis edition ^

Runner up is the Great God Contest: http://www.islandnet.com/~luree/contest.html
[and my favorite answer to that challenge: God is no thing]

Got any favorites?

Here is an entry I wrote for a bad writing contest. Enjoy!
==================================

"Clueless"

For once in eternity,
God didn't know what to do, although he was omniscient.
And knew it. Or thought so.
He wasn't sure. If he knew all things in heaven and hell,
which was a hell of a lot more than heaven alone,
he'd instantly know in advance how to respond in the future.
But he didn't. Nothing made sense anymore.

The chances of humans' outsmarting God were lower than a snowball's chance in hell, or heaven and hell combined, whichever was worse.
How could they set him up behind his back, in front of his face?
Only God could achieve the impossible, so this must be his will, since it was clearly impossible.
He was stunned. This made no sense, and he knew it.
Or thought he did. Aarrgghh!

Never mind, he assured himself, it's some trick of the Devil he allowed.
Then made himself forget, since he was omnipotent.
Only God could make himself forget that he forgot something, right?
Just forget it, he thought.

God tore through his files, searching. For deliberately random scribbles, or any clue why he might plan to forget whatever plans he forgot.
There must be some note reminding him, but since he could not remember where he forgot he wrote it down, surely he planned all that!
How else could he set up humans to set him up, unless he set that up, too? This whole thing smelled of a setup, right under his nose.

Finding no answers, he found himself lost.
For the first time in history, without beginning or end,
God was clueless. If his plan was to prove his omniscience,
now he knew how cluelessness felt.
Otherwise, he wouldn't have a clue!
He now knew what it meant not to know.
At least he knew that much.
=======================================
God is no thing

stromboli

Clearly an effort to get banned, so she can go back to her friends and claim we were evil monsters.

Hijiri Byakuren

I found Jesus the other day. He was trimming my neighbor's hedges.
Speak when you have something to say, not when you have to say something.

Sargon The Grape - My Youtube Channel

dtq123

I literally met a guy named Jesus on the streets. It was a very sad time, but amusing to think of now.
A dark cloud looms over.
Festive cheer does not help much.
What is this, "Justice?"

aitm

God created the entire universe and everything in it including the little cute butterflies….but when humans got all nasty and stanky, ole god could have just wished them away and they would never have felt a thing…instead the wise and loving god tormented and struck fear in millions of little children by flooding the entire earth so those little innocent children had to watch their parents and brothers and sister drown and they saw their parents trying so very hard to save the children only to see them drown or to drown trying to save them. LOLOLOL…oh GOD what a funny guy!
A humans desire to live is exceeded only by their willingness to die for another. Even god cannot equal this magnificent sacrifice. No god has the right to judge them.-first tenant of the Panotheust

stromboli

I have to say that Hijiri's head banging gif is particularly relevant right now.

Draconic Aiur


Atheon

God and the Devil are in a dispute about the boundary between their properties (Heaven and Hell). Overcome with frustration, God says, "That's it! I'm going to sue you!" The Devil replies, "Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful." - Seneca

emilynghiem

God is no thing

dtq123

A dark cloud looms over.
Festive cheer does not help much.
What is this, "Justice?"

emilynghiem

Quote from: aitm on February 16, 2015, 06:29:31 PM
God created the entire universe and everything in it including the little cute butterflies….but when humans got all nasty and stanky, ole god could have just wished them away and they would never have felt a thing…instead the wise and loving god tormented and struck fear in millions of little children by flooding the entire earth so those little innocent children had to watch their parents and brothers and sister drown and they saw their parents trying so very hard to save the children only to see them drown or to drown trying to save them. LOLOLOL…oh GOD what a funny guy!

Reminds me of a favorite bit I saved
from a local comedian/comedy writer in Houston.

Scott White:

"I went to the bookstore the other day, and I saw this book of the 100 most influential people of all time. From the beginning of time until now, everybody who has ever lived, these people compiled the most influential people of all time.

The top three in order #1 Muhammad, #2 Isaac Newton, #3 Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ #3. The Son of God #3. What the hell do you have to do to impress these people? And talk about somebody who could have had his father throw a little weight around. Maybe a plague of toads to sway the vote in his favor, but no #3.

I would be a little pissed if I was J.C. right about now. Here I am the Son of God, I helped to create the Heavens and the earth, I came down from Heaven, I walked among men, I made myself mortal, I healed the sick, I performed miracles. I died on the cross so every man, woman, and child could go to heaven and live eternity in bliss. AND I GET THIRD FUCKING PLACE. Isaac Newton gets #2, what the hell is that. So he discovered gravity, who do you think invented gravity, that was me, that was my idea. I never thought that would come back to bite me in the ass."
God is no thing

PickelledEggs

Quote from: emilynghiem on February 17, 2015, 12:13:52 PM
Reminds me of a favorite bit I saved
from a local comedian/comedy writer in Houston.

Scott White:

"I went to the bookstore the other day, and I saw this book of the 100 most influential people of all time. From the beginning of time until now, everybody who has ever lived, these people compiled the most influential people of all time.

The top three in order #1 Muhammad, #2 Isaac Newton, #3 Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ #3. The Son of God #3. What the hell do you have to do to impress these people? And talk about somebody who could have had his father throw a little weight around. Maybe a plague of toads to sway the vote in his favor, but no #3.

I would be a little pissed if I was J.C. right about now. Here I am the Son of God, I helped to create the Heavens and the earth, I came down from Heaven, I walked among men, I made myself mortal, I healed the sick, I performed miracles. I died on the cross so every man, woman, and child could go to heaven and live eternity in bliss. AND I GET THIRD FUCKING PLACE. Isaac Newton gets #2, what the hell is that. So he discovered gravity, who do you think invented gravity, that was me, that was my idea. I never thought that would come back to bite me in the ass."

:popcorn:

stromboli

#12
Jesus never existed

http://www.jesusneverexisted.com/

QuoteWhat DID the Early Christians Believe?

There never was just one Christianity. Out of the milieu of religiosity that infected the Roman world, dozens of competing and conflicting Jesus/Sun-god/Mystery cults emerged.

The first believers in Jesus maintained he was an ethereal spirit, much like other sky/sun-gods. Only later did he acquire a human death, a human life and finally a human birth.

The composite 'Jesus Christ' character â€" god, man, king, carpenter, conqueror, peace-maker, dispenser of justice, advocate of love â€" was assembled to try to unify a fragmented and fractious messianic religious movement.

In the mid-2nd century the Jewishness of the faith was purged but apologists had little to say about a human Jesus. They took comfort in noting similarities between their own ideas and pagan myths.

The Christians remained a minority until well after one particular faction formed a political alliance with the Roman State.

http://www.salon.com/2014/09/01/5_reasons_to_suspect_that_jesus_never_existed/

QuoteMost antiquities scholars think that the New Testament gospels are “mythologized history.”  In other words, they think that around the start of the first century a controversial Jewish rabbi named Yeshua ben Yosef gathered a following and his life and teachings provided the seed that grew into Christianity.

At the same time, these scholars acknowledge that many Bible stories like the virgin birth, miracles, resurrection, and women at the tomb borrow and rework mythic themes that were common in the Ancient Near East, much the way that screenwriters base new movies on old familiar tropes or plot elements. In this view, a “historical Jesus” became mythologized.

For over 200 years, a wide ranging array of theologians and historiansâ€"most of them Christianâ€"analyzed ancient texts, both those that made it into the Bible and those that didn’t, in attempts to excavate the man behind the myth.  Several current or recent bestsellers take this approach, distilling the scholarship for a popular audience. Familiar titles include Zealotby Reza Aslan and  How Jesus Became Godby Bart Ehrman.

But other scholars believe that the gospel stories are actually “historicized mythology.”  In this view, those ancient mythic templates are themselves the kernel. They got filled in with names, places and other real world details as early sects of Jesus worship attempted to understand and defend the devotional traditions they had received.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/12/18/did-historical-jesus-exist-the-traditional-evidence-doesnt-hold-up/

QuoteThe first problem we encounter when trying to discover more about the Historical Jesus is the lack of early sources. The earliest sources only reference the clearly fictional Christ of Faith. These early sources, compiled decades after the alleged events, all stem from Christian authors eager to promote Christianity â€" which gives us reason to question them. The authors of the Gospels fail to name themselves, describe their qualifications, or show any criticism with their foundational sources â€" which they also fail to identify. Filled with mythical and non-historical information, and heavily edited over time, the Gospels certainly should not convince critics to trust even the more mundane claims made therein.

I could give you considerably more than this. Read the 280+ reasons to doubt Christianity

http://www.kyroot.com/

The evidence does not support the existence of a deity in human form, but rather either a human invented to be a deity or else pure fiction.

By the way, you need to give links to your sources. It is a legal thing. Failure to do so will get you kicked off of here.

We are scholars. We research our information and draw conclusions from several sources, not just one. Christianity was spread by intimidation and by force for centuries, which is why it became dominant. The "Jesus" of the bible is more an invention by early church creators under Justinian as Emperor of Rome than anything else. Modern Christianity more correctly dates from about 300 A. D. and later, not the time of Christ.

emilynghiem

Quote from: stromboli on February 17, 2015, 01:15:02 PM
Jesus never existed

http://www.jesusneverexisted.com/

http://www.salon.com/2014/09/01/5_reasons_to_suspect_that_jesus_never_existed/

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2014/12/18/did-historical-jesus-exist-the-traditional-evidence-doesnt-hold-up/

I could give you considerably more than this. Read the 280+ reasons to doubt Christianity

http://www.kyroot.com/

The evidence does not support the existence of a deity in human form, but rather either a human invented to be a deity or else pure fiction.

By the way, you need to give links to your sources. It is a legal thing. Failure to do so will get you kicked off of here.

We are scholars. We research our information and draw conclusions from several sources, not just one. Christianity was spread by intimidation and by force for centuries, which is why it became dominant. The "Jesus" of the bible is more an invention by early church creators under Justinian as Emperor of Rome than anything else. Modern Christianity more correctly dates from about 300 A. D. and later, not the time of Christ.

Hi stromboli, well so much for a joke thread which people decided to take seriously!

Since Jesus represents the process of Justice,
SURE you can say Justice has never existed or proven to exist.
And I cannot argue with that, because nobody I know has seen proof of Justice.

yet it is emblazoned on the Supreme Court building of the secular US govt
"Equal Justice Under Law"

So I challenge you: if you are going to get rid of anything that isn't proven to
exist, like Jesus, then I will join you in a petition to REMOVE
the mention of JUSTICE from every place it is mentioned in
US govt documents since this has NEVER been proven to exist
and is FAITH BASED.

It is on the Houston police mission dept seal
"ORDER THROUGH LAW, JUSTICE WITH MERCY"

Justice with Mercy is the meaning of Christianity.
So that is faith based also, and should be removed
instead of promoting a religion, don't you agree?

Now that the serious stuff is over with, can we get back to the jokes.
I wanted to see what people consider funny over here, how dark or how light you like your comedy.

God is no thing

aitm

So God says, " Hey looky here, if'n some dude or dudes attack and try to kill a man and his bitch come to the rescue by grabbing one of the bad dudes balls, the bitch gets her hand cut off okay"!  LOLOLOL that god fellah cracks me up.
A humans desire to live is exceeded only by their willingness to die for another. Even god cannot equal this magnificent sacrifice. No god has the right to judge them.-first tenant of the Panotheust