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Started by charde, April 02, 2014, 03:56:38 PM

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charde

I've spent much of my prior foruming life on typology-related sites (MBTI, Enneagram) that encompass a lot of broad topics as well, but I guess nowadays I'm mostly just looking to make a few connections with people who can understand where I came from or at least who ask many of the same questions.

I could write pages, as could some others I am sure, but I was raised in conservative Christianity from birth in "Pennsyltucky" and attended a variety of denominations while I was growing up. Considering this was well before the Internet as we know it, and I could only find books that were Christian-geared, I pretty much learned the doctrines and found ways in which they made sense to me. (I had no reason to assume they were false, I simply was trying to understand how they worked.) My issues came later when I left that area to go to college and then beyond and became exposed to external views that gradually led me to question even MORE heavily the underlying foundation of the faith and what evidence actually existed vs what people wanted to believe. 

I always took spirituality seriously (I've been fascinated not just by religion but by the parnormal, for example) and have always tried to expand my knowledge of how the world actually works (science, technology, math, etc... I actually work in IT).  So here I was, raised to look for deeper meaning and purpose, but I've always approached it through a more agnostic viewpoint, which has predominated as time passed. Voracious reader, and not confined to a single viewpoint; I'm not really unsettled by much, and don't let boundaries stop me.

I was actually very involved in church despite not adhering myself to the conservative politics and was even a worship leader for years (I play piano by ear and trained musicians for our band), until I finally left and stopped attending church in Summer 2008. I just couldn't stand being in that environment anymore, it was destroying me and I felt smothered and poisoned -- I couldn't speak my mind without causing issues, but I no longer could wear a false face.

My mom took my departure poorly (she was afraid she'd never see me in heaven) and my family's opinion of me dropped because I was now "of the world" and couldn't really be trusted, I suppose, despite my always having been considerate and kind to them.  My marriage was ending for other reasons, but the religious rift only grew between my ex and me; I guess it is a credit, though, that despite our very different ways of viewing reality, our kids (while raised in church) have always had freedom to explore and love offered regardless and have taken advantage of that to find their own ways.

Currently I feel kind of like a "religious survivor." The reality is that I spent much of my life believing in the Christian God even if I didn't adhere to all the rigid details, and the values and beliefs are still burned into you even when you leave; it doesn't just disappear. To me, it was like being married and then waking up and your spouse has vanished and doesn't answer when you call, even if you think you can still smell and feel a presence in the house sometimes... and there you are, wondering if you just imagined it all; and, if it was real, why he left you, and what it means, if anything at all.

I don't know if God exists (or "what" exists from any faith), but I still sometimes talk to God as if he does, and I'd like to believe it; I just don't see it as a likely thing, realistically. That's just my assessment of the evidence. And there is no way I'll ever know for sure, due to human limitation.

But I've still concluded that I can still live according to the values I believe in personally and thus be the god/good that I want to see in the world. (I used to see life as more a process of discovery but it's also become an act of creation in terms of meaning.) Because of this, I'm pretty open to anyone regardless of background, although most of my life experience has been within Western Christianity.


aitm

howdy doo and welcome to our warm loving and very peaceful world.....
A humans desire to live is exceeded only by their willingness to die for another. Even god cannot equal this magnificent sacrifice. No god has the right to judge them.-first tenant of the Panotheust

Solitary

 :biggrin: Welcome aboard charde! Solitary
There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.

Gawdzilla Sama

Hi, I'm the one they warned you about.
We 'new atheists' have a reputation for being militant, but make no mistake  we didn't start this war. If you want to place blame put it on the the religious zealots who have been poisoning the minds of the  young for a long long time."
PZ Myers

charde

Quote from: Gawdzilla Sama on April 02, 2014, 08:59:55 PM
Hi, I'm the one they warned you about.

Yeesssss... I see.