Author Topic: The Poetry Thread  (Read 70461 times)

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #345 on: November 24, 2018, 05:31:48 PM »
Could use some input on this one!
Making it for a friend who's putting together an indie game centered in WWII.

Entrenched

The soil soaks with the blood of brothers
though the iron is not bound to the ground:
It is flung forth from us to the others
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount
and ride towards the glow of the rising sun.
Arm the cannons and rip the skies asunder,
the struggle for a horse has only just begun:
Kill the man you were and let it thunder.
Worry only how to live with yourself
after you make sure that you'll live.
Forget the One and his band of twelve
and the forgiveness that He might give.
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.
Arm the cannons and rip your soul asunder,
the high horse of dawn grazes too far.
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.

Someone told me to check a syllable counter.
This one is more in tune with that: ten each.
Which is better?

entrenched

Here the soil soaks with the blood of brothers
though the iron is not bound to the ground:
It is flung forth from us to the others
in a monstrous nightmare we try to mount
and ride to the light of the rising sun.
Arm the cannons; rip the skies asunder,
the struggle for a steed has just begun:
Kill the man you were and let it thunder.
Worry only how to live with yourself
after you are certain that you will live.
Forget now the One and his band of twelve
and so the forgiveness that He might give.
Nothing is sacred in love nor in war.
Arm the cannons; rip your soul asunder,
the high horse of dawn grazes far too far.
Kill the man you'd be and let it thunder.
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #346 on: November 24, 2018, 07:31:23 PM »
You got feedback? [member=28617]Cavebear[/member]
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #347 on: March 11, 2019, 07:50:29 AM »
Low Fantasy

You and I oft danced in a dreamt up dystopia.
Underneath ageless winds born from dragons’ wings.
We collected most precious memorabilia
Made from old news, cardboard and other trivial things.

Mirrored the world as it was, as princess and prince.
With the stage itself dismantling our binding quest.
Rival rogues, timid thieves, assaulted assassins:
Summarized in a King’s cold court’s fool’s jest.

And though I would awaken the giants from the earth,
To shake the foundations of reason and belief,
I am but a dwarf looking up to you with mirth:
A wraith captivated by your bodice and by grief.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 10:09:09 AM by Mr.Obvious »
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #348 on: March 29, 2019, 02:20:35 AM »
You got feedback? [member=28617]Cavebear[/member]

I'm sure I had something to say there, but forgot to do it.  My apologies...
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #349 on: March 29, 2019, 02:24:12 AM »
Low Fantasy

You and I oft danced in a dreamt up dystopia.
Underneath ageless winds born from dragons’ wings.
We collected most precious memorabilia
Made from old news, cardboard and other trivial things.

Mirrored the world as it was, as princess and prince.
With the stage itself dismantling our binding quest.
Rival rogues, timid thieves, assaulted assassins:
Summarized in a King’s cold court’s fool’s jest.

And though I would awaken the giants from the earth,
To shake the foundations of reason and belief,
I am but a dwarf looking up to you with mirth:
A wraith captivated by your bodice and by grief.

You had me until "bodice".  Then it was just about sex...  You might want to change that word because it is otherwise aspirational.
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #350 on: March 29, 2019, 10:43:34 AM »
You had me until "bodice".  Then it was just about sex...  You might want to change that word because it is otherwise aspirational.

Thanks, going to keep bodice in this instance though.
It's supposed to be about longing, including (but not limited to) lust, for something/-one tempting but beyond reach.
Bodice seemed to work for that. As it fit the syllable-counter, (i think), and is something that both hides and accentuates beauty: an agent for appeal, if you will.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #351 on: March 29, 2019, 12:07:41 PM »
Thanks, going to keep bodice in this instance though.
It's supposed to be about longing, including (but not limited to) lust, for something/-one tempting but beyond reach.
Bodice seemed to work for that. As it fit the syllable-counter, (i think), and is something that both hides and accentuates beauty: an agent for appeal, if you will.

Ah, the "bodice" as a symbol of desire beyond and yet also slightly out of reach.  Got it. 
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #352 on: April 01, 2019, 08:55:37 AM »
Bilateral Breathing

These waters we treaded were cold but calm,
without waves nor currently a current;
no single argument and never qualm.
I believed to be swimming ‘till we weren’t.
 
Now come hither; look at this wet-haired fool
whom, whilst performing the butterfly proud,
caused the perfect storm in his local pool
when the wings of moths summoned a great cloud.
 
The thunderous typhoon reigned supreme,
rained verdict; liquid in liquid did pour,
leaving two drifters at sea and no team
to never swim monotome laps no more.
 
This sinking feeling it is familiar.
Yet I know I shall not sink all too deep,
for the depth which I hold is naught on par
to the pool of tears I’m left to weep.
 
She left me naked, but my swim-shorts:
Unable to leave the pool due to shame.
So I will remember the suit she sports
and continue my strokes, if all the same.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #353 on: August 21, 2019, 02:45:57 PM »
The winds within

The winds in the north rise up again, fearing the reaper of the morrow.
‘Tween bouts of fury, now and then, their wails  witness with solemn sorrow.
The grains of blood now dare to wither, as his scythe now divides day into night.
It pains that food once fair goes bitter, rots in light of what hides just beyond sight:
The soul of a man long impaled by regret who longs wholly for a chance at redemption,
Whose whole life began amidst bloodshed and songs showily advancing the ademption.
Such primal tenure lies within oneself; incorporated and baked into one’s meagre meat:
Taken from nature in which we delve. So we created what makes us us, us evil, indeed.


Sometimes you just gotta force yourself to write something, even if it isn't quite great and not what you wanted.
There is no other way to stop a writers block.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #354 on: August 24, 2019, 04:57:25 AM »
The winds within

The winds in the north rise up again, fearing the reaper of the morrow.
‘Tween bouts of fury, now and then, their wails  witness with solemn sorrow.
The grains of blood now dare to wither, as his scythe now divides day into night.
It pains that food once fair goes bitter, rots in light of what hides just beyond sight:
The soul of a man long impaled by regret who longs wholly for a chance at redemption,
Whose whole life began amidst bloodshed and songs showily advancing the ademption.
Such primal tenure lies within oneself; incorporated and baked into one’s meagre meat:
Taken from nature in which we delve. So we created what makes us us, us evil, indeed.


Sometimes you just gotta force yourself to write something, even if it isn't quite great and not what you wanted.
There is no other way to stop a writers block.

That 4th line was awful...

The next to last line felt forced.  Maybe something "mead"?
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #355 on: August 24, 2019, 05:56:37 AM »
That 4th line was awful...

The next to last line felt forced.  Maybe something "mead"?

Not sure it is even worth salvaging. I just needed to write anything. I haven't finished anything in so long.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Offline Cavebear

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #356 on: August 24, 2019, 06:22:27 AM »
Not sure it is even worth salvaging. I just needed to write anything. I haven't finished anything in so long.

Well, that is a very different category.  You expressed yourself well, and I liked it very much in general.  I felt emotions in your poem and that is that main intent I think.
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Online Mr.Obvious

  • Atheist Mantis
  • Jacuzzi Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3763
  • Total likes: 2354
  • The rules are made up, and the points don't matter
Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #357 on: September 08, 2019, 10:28:27 AM »
Amidst blue forests
Retarded monkey swings fast,
Yet falls on red bum.
"If we have to go down, we go down together!"
- Your mum, requesting 69 last night.

Atheist Mantis does not pray.

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #358 on: September 08, 2019, 10:36:46 AM »
Amidst blue forests
Retarded monkey swings fast,
Yet falls on red bum.
Was that for Burach?
Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent,
Is he able but not willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able or willing?
Then why call him god?

Online Baruch

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #359 on: September 08, 2019, 01:18:07 PM »
Was that for Burach?

I am single, you are married.  It wouldn't be right for us to get married.  But I appreciate the Obsession ...

Ha’át’íísh baa naniná?
Azee’ ła’ish nanídį́į́h?
Táadoo ánít’iní.
What are you doing?
Are you taking any medications?
Don't do that.