Author Topic: The Poetry Thread  (Read 22880 times)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2013, 01:09:45 AM »
Grip
by Myke
For now I sleep only to wake later with the dread of events to come. The worry is that there is no control of what will happen or even knowing what will happen, only knowing when. I wax philosphofical about not caring about myself and cry out a desire that others may be saved. It all sounds so honorable. The truth is that I am not that brave. I wish for more than I can hope, the possibility that can never be realized. And now every moment weighs heavy upon me. The anticipation, the wait, the torment as time ticks slowly down. So what is it that I can't face but must? What is it that tortures me with every remaining second? What could it be that strangles me with fear to the point of paralysis?
The unknown.

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2013, 02:17:49 AM »
I like that one, Myke. =D>  In fact my only criticism would be that you misspelled "philosophical." #-o

Actually there is one thing: I didn't understand what you meant by "...only knowing when." That phrase confused me a little. :-k  

And I'm sorry I didn't get around to critiquing your short story. I'm at a creative slowdown in my own writing, and have been struggling with a few things all weekend. I only have access to my sister's computer every other weekend, so I have a lot of accumulated writing to type up and polish.

Let me just say that I think it's an interesting little bunch of twists for a very short story, and I really would like to see you rewrite it from the point of view of one of the characters. My choice would be the cop. But don't reveal too much of what he's thinking. Keep the twists unfolding in the same manner.

Just curious, Myke: How old are you? Have you had any college level writing classes?

I'm 47, and although I frequently refer to myself as an uneducated hick, I actually attended bible-college from 1985-1987, and took Creative Writing 101 as well as Logic 101. (I actually could have opted out of Comp and Grammar because I received a perfect score on the writing portion of the A.C.T.) But I still consider myself to be uneducated, because I don't have formal education in any field that would yield any specialized knowledge about the world, if you understand what I mean. I have a PBS education.
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2013, 10:57:56 AM »
Quote from: "Solomon Zorn"
Sorry it took me so long to respond, Myke, my computer got stolen by crack-heads and I still haven't replaced it. So I'm only online every other weekend.

Anyway...great work! I especially liked the first one's subversive undertones. The second one actually has me worried about you! But it really captures the whole experience.

I actually saw your post a while ago, but didn't have time to respond. It got me thinking about poetry in general though, an so I put some of my thoughts on the subject into writing. Here's what I came up with:

[center:2pn5d8z7]On Poetry
Solomon Zorn[/center:2pn5d8z7]
    I don't write much free-form poetry. Although it's lofty language lifts the limits of simple prose, and presently progresses into a lot of alliteration, I feel the reader will find it ponderous. It's capable of evoking an emotional response, but I prefer more structured forms.

Rhyme and meter
Need to be
Challenging
Linguistically

Rhythm adds
A new dimension
Thoughts aligning
In progression

Poetry is evolution
Advancing in stages
Growing branches
Selecting traits
Defining functions
Adapting to the repeating patterns of words
Making them serve the central theme

Structure is environment
Establishing parameters
Limiting expression
Suggesting tangents
Separating ideas
Adapting to the unpredictable flow of thoughts
Making them serve the central theme

A poem
A child
Taking his own path
Not forced
Not restrained
Only guided

A poem
A performer
Entertaining the reader
Not trivial
Not mundane
Only inspired

Consider:
Emotion
Audience
Message
Brevity

The uneducated hick gets down from his soapbox an resumes watching television.

There is a reason we write poetry, so I like the motif of "why" as a subject.

However, I do get down on people who insist it go a certain way. What does all the meter and code language mean if the message is lost? I've heard poems and read poems I love that are simplistic.

Poetry to me is ultimately the message and all it has to do is work for the reader.
"We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers." Obama
Poetry By Brian37 Like my poetry on Facebook Under BrianJames Rational Poet and also at twitter under Brianrrs37

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2013, 04:53:01 PM »
Quote from: "Solomon Zorn"
I like that one, Myke. =D>  In fact my only criticism would be that you misspelled "philosophical." #-o

Actually there is one thing: I didn't understand what you meant by "...only knowing when." That phrase confused me a little. :-k  

And I'm sorry I didn't get around to critiquing your short story. I'm at a creative slowdown in my own writing, and have been struggling with a few things all weekend. I only have access to my sister's computer every other weekend, so I have a lot of accumulated writing to type up and polish.

Let me just say that I think it's an interesting little bunch of twists for a very short story, and I really would like to see you rewrite it from the point of view of one of the characters. My choice would be the cop. But don't reveal too much of what he's thinking. Keep the twists unfolding in the same manner.

Just curious, Myke: How old are you? Have you had any college level writing classes?

I'm 47, and although I frequently refer to myself as an uneducated hick, I actually attended bible-college from 1985-1987, and took Creative Writing 101 as well as Logic 101. (I actually could have opted out of Comp and Grammar because I received a perfect score on the writing portion of the A.C.T.) But I still consider myself to be uneducated, because I don't have formal education in any field that would yield any specialized knowledge about the world, if you understand what I mean. I have a PBS education.
I have 2 degrees. I'll be 56 in two weeks. I started college, or rather ended college late as in between I had a complete military career that lasted 22 years+. No I don't have any formal writing training perse, just the basics.
I write in the venacular. I always compose runon sentences. I lack puncuation and spelling skills. When I write I am basically talking out loud. I become a character not necessarily in the story, but of the same ilk as the story. For example if I actually wrote Sherlock Holmes, I would smoke a pipe, wear a cap and Mac to write the story. I often draw about what I am writing, so if I'm using a legal pad it's covered with graffity.

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2013, 02:47:34 PM »

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #20 on: October 11, 2013, 11:49:31 AM »
Modern Politics
by Myke

Have you ever notice the brat?
"I want this!"
"I want that!"

There is no end to the selfishness.
"Me' me' me"
They insist.

"I want it now,
Or I'll pout,
and I'll cry!"

"I won't even negotiate!"
"Won't consider...,
I won't try!"

"My Teaparty tells me
To rant,
And rave!"

Have you ever noticed the brat?
They just can't....
behave!

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #21 on: October 11, 2013, 08:03:40 PM »
Quote from: Brian37
There is a reason we write poetry, so I like the motif of "why" as a subject.

However, I do get down on people who insist it go a certain way. What does all the meter and code language mean if the message is lost? I've heard poems and read poems I love that are simplistic.

Poetry to me is ultimately the message and all it has to do is work for the reader.

I would never insist on structure, but it's what works for me as a reader. And it's what interests me as a writer. To me the free-form stuff is just a lot of prose trying to be a poem. It doesn't need rhyme and meter, necessarily, just some kind of structure to give it a pattern for the reader to enjoy. And most importantly, to challenge the writer. There's nothing wrong with free-form poetry, it's just that I think it should be called prose. I actually wrote some free form poems when I was a Christian. I used a lot of King James language and alliteration.

Poetry is message-first to me as well, but I was taught that emotional response should be the prime consideration. Message-first poetry can be dry, which is the case with a lot of mine.  :embarrassed:
« Last Edit: September 27, 2014, 07:22:11 AM by Solomon Zorn »
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2013, 08:18:24 PM »
Quote from: "mykcob4"
I have 2 degrees. I'll be 56 in two weeks. I started college, or rather ended college late as in between I had a complete military career that lasted 22 years+. No I don't have any formal writing training perse, just the basics.
I write in the venacular. I always compose runon sentences. I lack puncuation and spelling skills. When I write I am basically talking out loud. I become a character not necessarily in the story, but of the same ilk as the story. For example if I actually wrote Sherlock Holmes, I would smoke a pipe, wear a cap and Mac to write the story. I often draw about what I am writing, so if I'm using a legal pad it's covered with graffity.


Being 56 doesn't mean you can't still get started as a writer, in my opinion. I would rather read the words of someone who is older than me. You have a lot more life to draw on than a youngster. That's where your appeal lies.  8-)

I liked both the new poems. Especially Modern Politics. Very relevant.
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #23 on: October 11, 2013, 09:00:01 PM »
Well I was on fire this week!
Since last Friday, I have written three more poems, two political cartoons, 30 stanzas of proverbs, a short essay, and ten pages of outline for an X-Men sequel! :geek:

I got up at 6AM yesterday, and started writing this one:

The Salesman
Solomon Zorn
http://www.solomonzorn.com/the-salesman.html

EDIT: I have changed the poem significantly since writing it. The repost below is no longer accurate.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2015, 07:21:15 AM by Solomon Zorn »
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #24 on: October 11, 2013, 09:15:13 PM »
Quote from: "Solomon Zorn"
Well I was on fire this week!
Since last Friday, I have written three more poems, two political cartoons, 30 stanzas of proverbs, a short essay, and ten pages of outline for an X-Men sequel! 8-)

I got up at 6AM yesterday, and started writing this one:

[center:3296omay]The Salesman
Solomon Zorn


He sold you a book
That's based on a story
By people who look
For post-mortum glory

Did you buy it?

He sold you a myth
That's based on tradition
Of conquering death
And that was his mission

Did you buy it?

He sold you advice
That's based on a notion
That walks the thin line
Of doubt-free devotion

Did you buy it?

He sold you a light
That's based on a lie
He told you a fright
Of after you die

Did you buy it?

He sold you a fear
That's based on a threat
Of burning and tears
And endless regret

Did you buy it?

He sold you a cell
That's based on your guilt
Controlling you well
With fears that you felt

Did you buy it?

He sold you a Lord
Who's based on himself
He promised reward
And scared you with Hell

Did you buy it?

He sold you a tale
That's based on religion
And wrapped up the sale
What was your decision?

Did you buy it?[/center:3296omay]
No shit. That's awesome. I like the meter as well as the messege.
I love to free form and just spew what is inside. Funny how when someone else writes, you just have to write. Please read my thoughts on a movie script.

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #25 on: October 11, 2013, 09:30:17 PM »
For Soloman and anyone that whats to add.
Thoughts for a movie script a loose treatment

 'The Brazilian Nut Job'
In 2014 Brazil host the Olympics AND the Woirld Soccer Cup.
I thought a comedy about it would be fun. 'Imagine the Italian Job' and 'It's a MAD MAD MAD world.'
The story begins with high Brazilian officials discussing the world events they are hosting and the security that that entails. Primary on their minds is a national treasure. "The Brazilian Star". It's a 50 carat chocolate diamond, cresent shaped. The officials which include the president believe that many thieves and criminals will attend the games and use them as a cover to steal the Brazilian Star. Attending this metting purely out of courtesy is the Chief of police of Sao Paulo (Cheech Marin). He is largely ignored and stands quitly in the background. While everyone to include Intelpol, the US FBI, Scotland Yard, and various foriegn and Brazilian security officials are arguing juridiction and method for security. In the meantime the Chief decides to just put the jewel in his well worn suit pocket for safe keeping.
That's a small glimpse and it doesn't reveal the comic episodes that I have written down, nor the hundreds of international characters I want to use. Basicly Rio de Junero is one of the biggest stars of the script. I want it to be fast paced, wacky, hairbrained and funny.
Bumbling cops, inept thieves, colorful extras, flamboyant types, somewhat stereotypical types.
I have many stars in mind: Albert Brooks, Alan Arkin, Steven Colbert, Tosh, John Stewart, Cheech Marin, Matt Damon, George Clooney, All races, genders, every type!

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #26 on: October 11, 2013, 09:55:38 PM »
Sounds like a good start. I will be typing up my own movie-plot this weekend, just to make it neater. Altogether I have 14 pages to type up.  :shocked:
« Last Edit: March 24, 2014, 07:32:57 AM by Solomon Zorn »
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #27 on: October 12, 2013, 05:59:46 AM »
Hello. I couldn't sleep and it's almost 3am so I'll force myself to in a few moments. Please provide your feedback. I enjoy reading what's posted on this thread, too. Thank you for allowing me to share mine here.


This girl I knew
Fell madly in love
She was loyal and true
Her spirits high up above

Six seven years passed
Her love didn't last

This girl I once knew
Fell madly once again
Overwhelming feelings grew
High spirits' confusion began

Over a year went by
His shattered soul bid goodbye

Now getting back on her feet
She cried
Why do we fuckin fall
He lied
To learn how to get ourselves back up

This girl I once knew was me
Doing my very best you see

Life is for the living.
This is how I let go.

Alt
This girl I once knew was me
Trying to get back on my feet
Why do we fall, I cried
So we can learn to get ourselves back up, he lied.

Life is for the living.
I must let go.

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #28 on: October 12, 2013, 01:41:02 PM »
Quote from: "Anonymousjane"
Hello. I couldn't sleep and it's almost 3am so I'll force myself to in a few moments. Please provide your feedback. I enjoy reading what's posted on this thread, too. Thank you for allowing me to share mine here.


This girl I knew
Fell madly in love
She was loyal and true
Her spirits high up above

Six seven years passed
Her love didn't last

This girl I once knew
Fell madly once again
Overwhelming feelings grew
High spirits' confusion began

Over a year went by
His shattered soul bid goodbye

Now getting back on her feet
She cried
Why do we fuckin fall
He lied
To learn how to get ourselves back up

This girl I once knew was me
Doing my very best you see

Life is for the living.
This is how I let go.

Alt
This girl I once knew was me
Trying to get back on my feet
Why do we fall, I cried
So we can learn to get ourselves back up, he lied.

Life is for the living.
I must let go.
Great! A heartfelt poem. Keep going!

Offline Solomon Zorn (OP)

Re: The Poetry Thread
« Reply #29 on: October 12, 2013, 02:43:25 PM »
Good work, Jane. Very emotive.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2014, 07:35:48 AM by Solomon Zorn »
If God Exists, Why Does He Pretend Not to Exist?
Poetry and Proverbs of the Uneducated Hick

http://www.solomonzorn.com