Author Topic: a call to 911  (Read 3338 times)

Offline fencerider

a call to 911
« on: May 28, 2018, 04:35:50 PM »
a man calls 911

man: I need help I just shot my friend! I think he's dead! What should I do?
911: well first we need to make sure he's dead.

man runs away from the phone. click. bang. man runs back to the phone

man: OK! Now what do I do???
"Do you believe in god?", is not a proper English sentence. Unless you believe that, "Do you believe in apple?", is a proper English sentence.

Online GSOgymrat

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2018, 04:53:06 PM »
“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”

― Pema Chödrön

Offline Baruch

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2018, 05:25:27 PM »
See if you hate people in general, or particular groups of people, or just one person ... you are just like a dictator ... what varies is the level of ambition ;-(
Ha’át’íísh baa naniná?
Azee’ ła’ish nanídį́į́h?
Táadoo ánít’iní.
What are you doing?
Are you taking any medications?
Don't do that.

Offline trdsf

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2018, 09:29:14 PM »
The 911 joke (aka the hunter/dead friend joke) was analyzed to be the funniest joke in the world in 2006, and turned out to have been written by Spike Milligan for the Goon Show in 1951—or at least no earlier reference to it has yet been found.
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

Offline Cavebear

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2018, 04:58:10 AM »
a man calls 911

man: I need help I just shot my friend! I think he's dead! What should I do?
911: well first we need to make sure he's dead.

man runs away from the phone. click. bang. man runs back to the phone

man: OK! Now what do I do???

One of the best jokes I read years ago!!!

And I love jokes.  But have you ever noticed that ALL jokes depend on someone being an idiot or looking stupid?  I tried to think of one that wasn't, and failed.

Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Offline trdsf

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2018, 10:49:05 AM »
One of the best jokes I read years ago!!!

And I love jokes.  But have you ever noticed that ALL jokes depend on someone being an idiot or looking stupid?  I tried to think of one that wasn't, and failed.
Ooo.  Now you have me thinking.  I can think of one or two that require specialized knowledge to 'get' it, but those are mostly science and math jokes that resolve into puns, like knowing the indegral of d(cabin)/cabin is ln(cabin) (pronounced 'log cabin') or "What do you do with a dead chemist?  Barium."
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

Offline Cavebear

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2018, 10:51:34 AM »
Ooo.  Now you have me thinking.  I can think of one or two that require specialized knowledge to 'get' it, but those are mostly science and math jokes that resolve into puns, like knowing the indegral of d(cabin)/cabin is ln(cabin) (pronounced 'log cabin') or "What do you do with a dead chemist?  Barium."

Log Cabin, and Barium...  Get it and Love them.  But jokes, not puns...
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Offline trdsf

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #7 on: May 29, 2018, 11:46:37 AM »
Log Cabin, and Barium...  Get it and Love them.  But jokes, not puns...
The other non-stupidity side of jokes is schadenfreude, of course, or as Mel Brooks puts it: "Tragedy is what happens to me, comedy is what happens to you."
"My faith in the Constitution is whole, it is complete, it is total, and I am not going to sit here and be an idle spectator to the diminution, the subversion, the destruction of the Constitution." -- Barbara Jordan

Offline Cavebear

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2018, 12:58:39 PM »
The other non-stupidity side of jokes is schadenfreude, of course, or as Mel Brooks puts it: "Tragedy is what happens to me, comedy is what happens to you."

Can you give an example?  Even if the comedian is the butt of a joke, that still makes him/her look bad.

Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2018, 01:08:00 PM »
One of the best jokes I read years ago!!!

And I love jokes.  But have you ever noticed that ALL jokes depend on someone being an idiot or looking stupid?  I tried to think of one that wasn't, and failed.
Polar bear walks into a bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a gin........
..................
..................
..................
..................
and tonic!" The bartender says, "Sure! But why the big pause?" Looking at his hands, the polar bear says, "I don't know... My dad had them too!"

(no animals were harmed in the making of this joke) ;^)

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2018, 01:22:16 PM »
I once made up a joke about Monica Lewinski, that she'd moved to Cuba because Castro had bigger cigars. But who even remembers her, now?
God Not Found
"There is a sucker born-again every minute." - C. Spellman

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2018, 01:26:26 PM »
Can you give an example?  Even if the comedian is the butt of a joke, that still makes him/her look bad.


Homer getting clobbered by anything in the area. Pratfalls. Abbott and Costello or just about any comedy duo.
We 'new atheists' have a reputation for being militant, but make no mistake  we didn't start this war. If you want to place blame put it on the the religious zealots who have been poisoning the minds of the  young for a long long time."
PZ Myers

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2018, 01:36:02 PM »
Here's one I heard on Car Talk, the funniest radio program ever:


Quote from: Ray Magliozzi
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
God Not Found
"There is a sucker born-again every minute." - C. Spellman

Offline Cavebear

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2018, 01:38:45 PM »
I once made up a joke about Monica Lewinski, that she'd moved to Cuba because Castro had bigger cigars. But who even remembers her, now?

And that was insulting her sexual diminishment by Bill Clinton about the cigars.

Try again to find a joke that doesn't humiliate someone...  ;)
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!

Re: a call to 911
« Reply #14 on: May 29, 2018, 02:34:08 PM »
Would you include limericks as jokes? I know some of those that don't humiliate anyone.

For example:

There was a young lady named Bright
 Whose speed was far faster than light;
 She set out one day
 In a relative way
 And returned on the previous night.
God Not Found
"There is a sucker born-again every minute." - C. Spellman