Well I am not a fan of the ... make goal, devise objectives which when accomplished get you to the goal, now go accomplish objective 1 then repeat. That is how you build a building or some other big project. What I see is that you are unhappy in your current situation, whether you are in school or not. What are you doing to increase your EQ, not your IQ? I see your EQ as the bigger problem, just saying. You are like a guy who wants to become Pope (no point in aiming low). His friend asks him later, how things are going. The guy says ... no progress so far. The friend replies ... it might help if you are Catholic ;-)

And yes, Calculus is hard, I flunked 2nd semester (was in honors class) and nearly dropped out of college. Generally speaking, the textbooks and teachers are ... very poor. And a famous college might not have better. Our textbook at the time, was one originally devised at MIT. In the honors class we got extra reading material and extra homework, huge mistake! Found out later, MIT had dropped their own textbook, because their students considered it ... too hard.

Well I stuck it out, finished my BS with some bad grades, got a C+ average, even in my major. Because the math of grading over multiple courses, is merciless. And you don't even have to use Calculus to calculate that, just arithmetic! Fortunately, even in my post-school electrical engineering, didn't ever have to use Calculus. The most useful math class was Probability Theory. And I have lots of other things I would still rather do than Calculus, on my own time. The reason for retaking Calculus, isn't to get a better grade (you seem to see things backward) but if you need to be competent at it, for later courses. Later as an undergrad, I took ODE and PDE ... and did well in ODE ... I could understand that. PDE not so much. Computer Science primarily requires Discrete Math subjects like matrices and graph theory. But if you do need to continue in Calculus, you might try ...

https://www.khanacademy.org/math/calculus-homeSome of the pedagogy, and learning resources, are much better now. And I can view the actual MIT courses on-line, not just be stuck with their crappy textbook of 1975.