Usually, in my outlook, I approach so much stuff with cynicism and humor, since I know theres so much bad in the world, the only way I deal with the bad is with those tools, and try and take the good where it comes. This is why I usually just don't think of death as best I can, yet I can remember when young being faced with the thought of death, the fear it gave me, not in my own, but people I love, dying. I remember when I was like 9, and thinking of some day, my mum dying, and busting into tears, where she reassured me she would be around for a long time.
I've been through family and friends dying, and while it gives to experience in what you expect, your never really prepared how your deal with it, since you are always changing, probably people you know dying is part of that. I first faced death when a school friend of mine died, and was so shocked by it, I ran home from school alone, and was found by my teacher, who helped me deal with it. Next was my dog, who was put down early, then my cat who lived till he was 18.
The first real family member to die that effected me was my grandmother, since I was so young when my grandpa died I didn't know how to feel about it then. When I saw my grandmother on the bed in the funeral home, she looked nothing like the woman who I visited all the time, the smiling sweet old lady, she was now a pale withered husk, and it stuck with me, seeing someone i loved become that. That really was the first real time I think I was faced with death.
When my dad died several years ago, I went to see him in the hospice before and after he died, and it looked like he was just sleeping. Maybe that was better, after my experience with seeing my nan like that, I didn't want to see my dad as a pale husk.
Thats been my experience with death anyway, I felt like I kind of came late to experience it, probably my mum shielding me from it, but like say, I don't think anyone is ever prepared for it, its just the kind of person your shaped into as you grow in how you deal with it.
I think though, when it comes to my own death, whenever that will be, I fear the idea of being on a hospital bed, alone, without people I love around me. My grandma and dad died alone, because it happened when we were away from the hospice, and couldn't get there in time to be with them, and that really is something I fear. I'm not going to have children, though I have my nephews and brother and my boyfriends. I suppose whatever will be will be.
