Author Topic: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.  (Read 800 times)

Offline doorknob (OP)

My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« on: February 22, 2017, 09:36:37 PM »
I'm quite certain this will quickly turn into a book. So for those not interested this is your warning to leave now.

So I was born and raised a roman catholic. My childhood was less then perfect but non the less it wasn't so horrible that children and youth should have taken me. I had a mother who basically rejected me. She was very strict despite the fact that I always felt like she didn't really want me. (Which makes sense since I was conceived before my parents married. I am the reason they got married as they are rather old fashion parents. Because of that I think she blamed me for making her stuck in a horrible marriage to a man she didn't have feelings for.) Lets just say that I didn't turn out to her master plan.

She was still very young, very selfish and not ready to be a mother. I was a colicky baby which made things worse. She couldn't do anything she wanted to because the slightest noise would wake me. (Not unlike my very own daughter)

Well a few years went by. As the years went by people kept telling my mother that there was something wrong with me. I wasn't like other children. My mom ignored it for the most part and just thought my behaviors were typical kid stuff. Not that I was a bad kid I was an extremely good child! I was self entertained and still am to this day. I had to be, as my mother would punish me for doing anything and I quickly learned what did and didn't annoy her. She never really played with me, she pretty much ignored me so I learned to live in my own imaginary world.

Well School came along. Low and behold I had a severe case of ADD that was before they stuck the H on it. I had inattentive type any how not hyper active. My parents thought I was too young for medications. So I was stuck in the special ed classes. Later I was tested and showed a high IQ. The school wanted to skip a year but my dad said no. Which I'm glad he did because my ADD would have prevented me from learning any way. I never paid attention to class, I drew pretty pictures all the time. Soon I discovered that I had some very real artistic talent. So I focused on that as my main source of entertainment. I was just a child. I didn't realize I was suppose to learn. I thought it was the teachers job to teach me. I thought learning happened with out you even trying. I just thought I was suppose to magically learn stuff. Mean while I lived in my fantasy world. Highly effected by cartoons of the time like rainbow brite. Thunder cats, and my little ponies. Believe it or not I actually also liked GI JOE. As long as I found it stimulating I liked it. I became a little tv addict. It was a source of inspiration for my fantasy world.

At least back then they tried to teach lessons in cartoons. I'm grateful because rainbow brite taught me to be courageous and have integrity despite being a girl. she taught me I could be a girl and still be a hero and a leader. I'm not sure where but I did get the message that thinking about things was important and I became a deep thinker, and I liked learning (things that I thought were important not what adults were trying to teach me in school.Heck I remember school being as boring as hell!) . GI JOE taught me that knowledge was power. Who said you can't learn good things from TV? Adults in my life taught me very little. Not much attention was paid to me. So I'm grateful for getting the right messages from TV.

Oh did I mention that I went to a catholic school? I probably should have mentioned that. None of the valuable lessons about integrity came from religion as it was boring and I didn't pay attention to that either. I hated church that's still a personal hell of mine. I had to sit still be good and I wasn't allowed to play, draw or do anything entertaining. I just retreated to my imaginary world for that entire hour of mass. Absolutely nothing learned except maybe the very basic of the basics. (from sunday school because that was almost entertaining.)

Well because of being different and befriending this creative, fun, yet selfish and controlling little girl that every one else hated. As a result, because of her I became hated right along with her. In all honesty I stayed her friend and took her abuse because I felt sorry for her. She was an underdog like me. We stayed best friends for a long time. She eventually grew out of some of her abusiveness but she was still very insecure and controlling. The other kids weren't really any less nasty as I was a sensitive kid and they made my life a living hell. Every comment I took seriously and it made me feel like shit constantly while I was in school. They were little demons.

I would come home crying! I tried everything I could to get out of going to school like faking sickness. I even hid my shoe and pretended I couldn't find it to get out of going to the next class. Although the thought that I could just skip never occurred to me. As I started becoming a teenager that's when I started questioning God internally. Also when I found out that Santa Clause was fake the thought that god was fake hit me like a ton of bricks right away. I never trusted adults after that.

I received lots of counseling. But it didn't help.

Finally in about 3rd grade I was thinking about the term ADD. I thought "Wow that means I don't pay attention." Then this thought finally hit. "Wait a minute ! I'm suppose to pay attention?!" All that time I never knew. LOL
Well after that I actually put some effort into paying attention. Things did improve but I still struggled. Finally I asked my parents if I could go on medications. And once those meds came into the picture! I was taken straight out of special ed and put right into regular class with the rest of the population. I was stunned! There was this whole world that I never knew about or noticed. All these things were going on around me all this time and I never noticed them! Reality just became real and it didn't suck as much I use to think it did. Kids comments bothered me less. I started to notice that those little assholes had flaws of there own.

I lost some weight and had energy for the first time in my life! I loved learning and absorbed as much knowledge as I could. I discovered that I liked science the best. I was pretty good at math but no one trusted me to be in the advanced class yet even though that's were I belonged. History still bored me to no end so unfortunately I didn't learn much there. It was all memorizing dates which I thought was pointless and stupid. Why memorize something you can look up? I thought. So I was still immature and had my weaknesses.

I also hated homework and didn't understand the point of it. Unlike the rest of the population I became super attentive and remembered everything the moment it was taught to me. I didn't really need the homework. But I did it because my grades depended on it and I actually cared about my grades. Oddly my parents told me that, they didn't care what my grades were and it was up to me to care after that point. Self preservation and all that. Maybe what they did seemed heartless but I'll tell you this. It made me straighten up and care about my own grades. Funny thing they still didn't praise me even when my grades were way up! Some times I still got lazy and did the bare minimum to pass classes I felt were unimportant, like history.

By high school I escaped going to the dreaded catholic high school by saying I wanted to go to votech. Which is where my dad went my parents had agreed. Boy were the kids in votech so much more mature than the kids in grade school( There's no middles school in catholic school it's k-8th grade). I got along with people I made friends I was making honors (Still no praise from my mom.) I was having the time of my life! Then It happened. My baby sister whom I forgot to mention she's 12 years younger then me so much of my childhood didn't include her. Also becuase we had a two bedroom house (I have a younger brother as well 4 years apart) We needed to move. I was very adamant about her not being allowed in my room. I had lots of valuable things in there and I took good care of my things I didn't want them destroyed.

As a result we had to move. And we wanted to have horses. So we moved far away to a hick ville. This was very sad for me as I was finally liking my life and now I didn't fit in again. The kids were immature and still had clicks and tormented each other. I knew I was better than them so there words never

Offline doorknob (OP)

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2017, 09:37:47 PM »
hurt me. This would piss them off to no end. They knew I thought that way. Actually when I think back I was a bit snobby. Still. I had very few friends. And I only knew half the school there, many people I never met in high school, because I still wanted to go to votech. Which this time vo tech was a half day and in separate schools. We had to take buses there and it was about 45 mins away. So one 1 hour and 1/2 was wasted riding a bus. We got home much later than the regular high school kids too. I came home with the grade school kids.

Well I made friends with a girl who was very much like me. We both really liked sex. We were partiers. She would pick me up (She had her own car) and we would find adults to buy us alcohol and party up! I lost my virginity around 16. We still see each other every now and then. But for some reason our paths split ways. I soon discovered that the my neighbor down the street whom I had stood next to waiting for the bus every day and never spoke to was actually just like me! She looked like a little goody two shoes but she was bad as hell. Hell she even started smoking in high school (Something I didn't do till after I turned 18)We were goofy and had lots of fun. She is my best friend!

I also did try pot twice in high school. I never felt  high from it so I gave up even trying to smoke it. That was the only brush with drugs that I had in high school. I did know of other kids doing harder drugs but I never thought to seek them out. Drugs really weren't my thing.

Finally I graduated high school! Yay!

Well I sat around the house for awhile. I had no idea what I was suppose to do. I didn't exactly have a car or a drivers license and lived in the middle of no where! I wanted to go to college but no one ever explained to me how I could do that. I had no clue. Well then I found out that my parents made too much money for me to get free help. They weren't willing to help me at all! So I would have had to take out huge loans! I didn't want to do that. So instead I did nothing.

Finally my mom got sick of me sitting around. She took me by the hand showed me how to get a job. I got my first job at mc donalds. (well second job actually I worked under the table for awhile when I was a teenager.) It was a mc donalds where my mom worked so she could pick me up and drop me off. In other words the horrible, horrible city! The worse thing that ever fucking happened to me! My mom got sick of driving me around so finally she took me to get my license. And my parents sold me their old car so now I could travel freely. I went hog wild! Partied I picked up smoking and lost a shit ton of weight! I became very manipulative and flirty. I could wrap practically any guy I wanted around my finger. But I wasn't ready to get serious with any one or settle down yet. About a year later these two puerto ricans started working there. One was really hot and one was really ugly. I remember looking at the ugly one and actually think "Well I'll never go out with him!" One day the hot one Jose asked me on a date so I agreed. We had sex but it wasn't really that great. So nothing ever came of it.

Well Next thing I know I'm finding out that jose had a girlfriend whom he had kids with. I did not take kindly to that. So I slept with his best friend which was the ugly one. I was so done with him after that. I told him I did like him that way. Well this bitch Lynn was also Manny's bff at the time told me that I should really give manny a chance, he's a really nice guy and apparently he had money in puerto rico. I didn't care about the money. 30,000 didn't impress me. It impressed lynn cause she's a poor ass and doesn't know money from a can of paint. Regardless I thought well he's so ugly at least he won't cheat on me. Hell he should be regretful to have some one as good as me. Yeah I realize I'm quite egotistic. But I'm also dumb as a box of rocks. I thought well maybe I was being shallow because of his looks. After all lynn said he was a great guy so I should give him a chance.

YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! He was the biggest mistake of my life. He might have been ugly but he sure knew his way around the ladies, including me. He had a way of telling me exactly what I wanted to hear and I liked hearing it. So to my surprise he cheated on me! Jokes on me right? But by then I already had feelings for him. And since my mom forgave my dad for cheating I can forgive a mistake. So I forgave the asshole. Well he cheated on me again and again and again. He made a comment one day that if I got pregnant he would marry me. Biggest bullshit lie ever. I'm not saying I got pregnant on purpose but I wasn't being careful any more. I was going to go on the pill but I couldn't get on it fast enough. There was a delay and the pill takes a month before it starts working any way. I thought well what ever will be, will be. OF course I got pregnant!


Offline doorknob (OP)

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2017, 09:38:25 PM »
Well mom and dad kicked me out which I wasn't sad about. Manny and I got an apartment together. I was ready to be out from under my moms' thumb any way. One  more reason to move out with Manny.

Every thing was all hunky dory between Manny and I. Until I kept getting phone calls from women telling me that he cheated with them. I was very dramatic I was a crying stressed out mess. I forgave him again and again, because I blamed myself for his cheating on me. You see I blamed my mom for my dad's indiscretion because she was such a bitch to him. I became Manny's door mat. When he said jump I jumped, (I was expected to know how high) and I suddenly became an expert on all things Manny. I knew every thing how he liked his food, what he liked, I learned how to cook rice and beans for him(not that I regret that) I learned to cook all kinds of meals because he insisted on having real meals and not quick things like hot dogs with mac n cheese. And things my mom made when she actually cooked. See I was like my mom in the sense that I hated cooking. But I cooked and cleaned for him with out complaint. I did everything in my power to keep him from cheating on me. Nothing worked. Finally I decided that the problem wasn't with me it was with him, because I know on my part I did everything right. I was basically his slave and he still kept cheating on me. (I'm a masochist. I know it) When my daughter was born Manny had left for some reason and missed her birth. That's right he wasn't there for her birth. He kept running with this girl kizzy. One of my mom's friends talked me into leaving him and moving back home with my mom. I didn't really want to because I knew I wasn't over him yet. I still was determined to have an intact family with both father and mother. I thought if I tried really hard I could make this relationship work!

But she talked me into it. I couldn't deny the sense she was trying to talk into me. I moved back home. Well Manny hunted me down and hounded me into taking him back. He cried his crocodile tears and begged and got as romantic as he could be so I would take him back. So I did because I still loved him. I moved back in with Manny. It lasted for about a year. Then I can't remember why but I moved back home again. My family was desperate to get me away from him. I was back home but I was still sneaking around seeing Manny as he would still call and harass me to the point were I couldn't ignore him. He even threatened to kill himself. He wanted me to move back in with him. At this point he was living in an apartment with like 10 mexicans. The owner had another apartment with his pregnant girlfriend even though he has a wife back in mexico. It was kind of akward for me to be there. It was only about two weeks then Manny decided he didn't love me and he wanted to be with barb. I could have murdered him as I had no where to go. My mom swore she wouldn't take me back a third time. But he didn't care he kicked me out. That was almost the most depressing time of my life. Then It got better. I was pregnant with my son.

I was so scared. Even though I was so against abortion Manny talked me into it. Luckily for me I had a really good friend who knew something was wrong. She chased and cornered me almost literally until till I told her. She knows how I feel about abortion. She convinced me that another baby isn't as bad as how I would feel if I went through with an abortion. She was right. So I bucked up and told my mom. So I told Manny I was having the baby and to fuck off. He didn't bother me again about it. Once he accepted that I was having the baby and there was nothing he could do about it he actually got happy about it. I was having a boy. I was so happy because I really wanted a boy this time around. I got exactly what I wanted 1 girl and 1 boy. Manny said I was a witch. Ha maybe I am and don't know it. Manny didn't beg me to come back this time. I was accepting that he wasn't coming back to me.

after he kicked me out no shelters would take me. I ended up back at my mom's house any how. I started to get really into my religion while living at my moms house. We went to church every sunday this is when I really thought I felt the holy spirit in me. I felt something I don't know like I was high. (Maybe they drugged the wine.) The priest at our church was actually a pretty good guy. He was very motivational, and acted like a christian should. I went to bible studies with my mom and I even started teaching sunday school. (that was not fun though)

At some point my mom decided I should go to college. Now that I had two kids I qualified for help. She helped me and showed me what to do to enroll. She said she'd watch the kids for me. So I started college. At first I didn't know what I wanted but I knew I wanted technology. I loved computers and that's what I went to votech for. As I did more research after a few classes, I realized that I really was actually interested in electronics. I had always wanted to know how exactly a computer works. So I change my major to electronic engineering. I was doing so well! I had the highest test scores in each of my classes. I was feeling really good and I loved college so much! But the next year my mom didn't feel like watching my kids any more so that was the end of that.

Well I met my best friend some where one day and we instantly fell in love! Not sexual love, but a bond like I've never had with any one since. We use to joke that if one of us was a man we would be the best couple ever because we were perfect for each other. For some reason my mom didn't really like me hanging out with her on almost a regular basis. So I told my friend and she said I could move in with her. Now keep in mind we had a two bedroom apartment and she had three of her own kids. That's seven people in a two bedroom apartment. I helped her clean it, and clean it and clean it. Because her kids had zero discipline, every time I turned around there was another mess. Her kids were like little hell demons. But I loved them any way. I tried disciplining them myself but they were resistant against normal parenting techniques. So I gave up. We had lots of fun though. She always had baby sitters so we would go out drinking a lot!

I showed her the ropes of the language of clubs. And she soon caught on. Before I knew it (because she was so beautiful) she would get men to pay our bills and buy us stuff. I feel bad now because I benefited from it too even though I had not encouraged her to do that. I wont go into further detail because a lot of things happened that I'm not proud  of. I wasn't a very good best friend to her. Lets put it that way. There started to form problems because I got burned out on cleaning and other reasons. Also there was jealousy because men may have started out coming around for her they end up coming for me because I have a nice personality and while she's extremely fun to be with she was also extremely bitchy and abusive to the men. This caused more friction between us. But I still loved her. So I stayed.That was a mistake. There was this one guy she was with. I felt bad for him because she treated him like dirt, and led him on, but when he wasn't around she insisted that he was just a friend and nothing more. Well I knew better. I was starting to get pissed about it. But I handled things wrong.

This is where everything went wrong. It was her birthday which is the day after july 4th. But every year her parents hold a pig roast to celebrate both the forth and her birthday. I had bought her lots of fire works for her birthday. Legal ones. Every one got drunk as is the procedure to these little get togethers. Well when I get drunk I turn into a demon. I don't know why but all the sudden I thought I should sneak away with her boyfriend and have sex. No one was suppose to know about it but he and I. Well of course she found out. And this is a serious flaw of mine. A flaw she knew about because I told her. I had done it to a previous friend and then a different friend accused me of doing it after that. I lost that friend too. When I get drunk I want to steal men, even from my best friends just to prove to myself I could do it. I never intend to hurt any one I just wanted a one time sex thing. But the problem is obviously it did hurt her. And it hurt our friendship after that. She said she forgives me but she was never the same toward me.

Well it happened. Her birth control ran out and she didn't know it. It was an UTI(tui? I don't know my acronyms.) not the pill. So she got pregnant. She didn't know at first though. We both thought it was strange that her boobs were getting bigger. Then she started getting really sick! That's when we knew because she never could tolerate the pregnancy hormones. Not only this but because she has a negative blood type she and didn't get the rogane shot on time. Our relationship was still deteriorating further at this point. Well The father of the baby was least to say an asshole. He tried to kill her twice at their job (they worked together). Once he tried to hit her with the fork lift and another time he slammed her between two tables. She had to quit her job after that. Then the father of two of her other young children got out of jail. Yeah this gets better right?

Even though she said she hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, he came around and she took him back. Joe and I did NOT get along. I decided it was time for me to find my own place. Good thing I had already applied for hudd and the waiting list in my county is short. I soon moved out. Well when Joe was helping me move stuff he and my dad really hit it off (as best buds). Joe started spending less time with her and more time with my dad! Then I forget why but one night joe was at my house. He was drunk. I told him he could spend the night.

It's not like the thought to sleep with joe never crossed my mind but I was not drunk so reason stepped in to prevent any of that. However that didn't matter. My best friend made assumptions about what happened that night. I told her over and over that nothing happened, she didn't believe me.

Well the next sunday I went to my mom and dad's house. Joe was there but I was sleeping so I didn't know. He and she were fighting over the phone. She was threatening joe that she was going to commit suicide. (She's already made attempts in the past. From what I understand joe has had to cut her down before.) Now remember how she was my childhood friend? And we were neighbors? Well needless to say her parents are my parents neighbors. She was at her parents house. Her and joe were playing phone tag fighting. Her mother! Over heard her threats to Joe. Being a nurse you would think that she would take her(who was pregnant still very pregnant at this point!) to the ER. But no my best friend Convinced her mom that she wasn't going to go through with it. But she wanted to leave her kids there for the night.

Her sister thought that she wouldn't kill her self as long as she had her kids with her. So she stuffed the kids in the car and made her take them home. Now in the mean time Joe was going to stop her, but my dad thought was just trying to manipulate joe so he stopped him. (I think my dad feels some guilt for that, even though he wont admit it. Because of that my dad and her parents don't get along any more.)

Now I always pass her house to get to work every day. So monday came. As I was driving past her house her kids were in the yard and there was an ambulance and a bunch of cop cars. I decided not to stop because to the police I'm a stranger and I thought they would shew me off. I didn't realize what was really happening. I thought Joe just beat her again, I had no idea. But I had a sinking feeling something was wrong. When I got to work my mom called and said to come straight to the house she had something to tell me. I still only thought she was in the hospital at this point. So after work I didn't come straight to my moms house I went to her neighbor because we all use to hang out. I told him what I thought happened. So we called all the hospitals. She wasn't at any of them. This left me a bit stumped as I really thought she was in the hospital. So I figured I'd better go up to my moms and find out what she had to tell. When I got to my mom's house she said to sit down. She told me that val died. I couldn't believe it at first. I was in shock.

She had hung herself and her kids found her like that. Her oldest daughter called the police. But when they got there she was already dead for a long time. They couldn't even save her baby. I went to her funeral but there wasn't a viewing because her body was to messed up. She was cremated. And the thing that broke my heart the most was when they showed pictures of her through out her life. Immediately her two year old son pointed and started crying. That little boy knew his mom was dead. I remember looking at her pictures thinking wow what a beautiful girl she was. I always knew she was beautiful but that day her pictures just had something in them. I wondered why I never realized it before. I just took for granite that she would always be there. And now she was gone for ever. Some nice christian gentle men AT HER FUNERAL said "you know she can't get into heaven now right?"

I never wanted so badly to punch someone in the face.

But I didn't become an atheist because of that. I still believed. I use to have nightmare that she was in hell. But I was really depressed. I was broken. I couldn't clean any more, I didn't socialize with any one, or stay in contact with any of our friends. I felt responsible. I never got to make up for the shitty things I did. She died hating me. And I never got closure either. I wasn't interested in doing much any more.


Offline doorknob (OP)

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2017, 09:38:42 PM »
A few months later my ex contacted me. I was so lonely that I was happy to talk to him, I was still in love with him too. I knew something was wrong because he kept losing jobs and he never lost jobs before. He was homeless now, which I did think was strange. So he needed a place to stay. I welcomed him with open arms. But it wasn't long before the HELL began. A few days later he said to me "Have you never been curious about drugs?"
i said "No not really why?"

He said that his girlfriends sister and he were going to smoke some crack. He told me it wasn't a big deal.  I wouldn't get addicted from only one time. Which might have been true but that wasn't how it stopped. I thought I was so miserable that what's the worse thing that could happen. YEAH WHAT INDEED! I was so naive and so arrogant. I thought drugs were no different than alcohol. I thought I could control it. I wasn't gonna be like every one else because I could control it. Yeah right! What an idiot I was.

Well every night after that manny decided to smoke every night after that. I have no idea how because he didn't have a car or a job, but he always had a rock when I got off work. I resented that he didn't work and I did. I thought that I deserved to have fun every night too! Yeah fun. Well it wasn't long before I was addicted. Now my whole life (I forgot to mention this sooner) off and on I was a shop lifter. I quit for some years but then I started again for some reason. I had never got caught before and I thought I was pretty slick. I knew where cameras couldn't see me and I detagged the items I wanted which were mostly dvds for the kids at that time. I would always purchase something so I wouldn't look suspicious. I got away with it for years and years and years.

At first because I had a really good credit card I didn't need to steal. I just ran the credit card up to support our habits. Then eventually I lost my car. After that Manny and I were in a shoplifting ring with his girlfriend whom he talked me into letting me move in. Some one would drive we would hide the license plate Two of us would go in stuff a bag full of dvds and then just walk out. I got sloppy in other words. We just didn't care any more, the drug was too important. then we would run out the door jump in the car and drive away. I did this my entire drug career and I was only caught 3 times even though we did this like every day. Every day would we would smoke an 8 ball. We did this for 6 months!

Well soon I lost my job. Then I couldn't wake up in time to take my kids to school. My kids were curious and walked in a few times while I was smoking. Luckily they were very young and do not remember this at all. Things were going from bad to worse! I took the kids in late and one of the teachers made a comment."thanks for bringing your kids to school today." I don't know if he was being smart or what but he didn't sound sarcastic he sounded genuine. But you don't thank a parent for bringing their kids to school? It's the parents job to get them their.

Then I told manny "We have to get these kids out of here. They can't be here any more."  So we sent them to stay with his sister. Which my family was very pissed about. For some reason the thought that they would never see them again really had them upset. Which kind of surprised me considering before they acted like they didn't give a shit. They even said they wouldn't ever help me with anything so don't even ask. Which I never did. They had an easy addiction with me 'cause I never stole or ask for money from them. They were like me. They knew something was wrong but had no clue as to what. There were never any other drug addicts in the family so they didn't know.
Well It's a very good thing we did. We soon couldn't pay the electric bill or the rent. We had to take ice cold showers every day and smoke in the dark. At some point I started using heroin even though manny tried to stop me. He was already a heroin user and knew how bad it was.
I use to pray to god every night to please make it end, please save me from this living hell. The car we had been using was my dads. I was getting evicted the next day. My plan was to live in the car. Well that plan died because every one, Manny and this other guy that we had been paling around with got caught. The car was towed away. When I was released I had to call my parents and explain to them what was going on. My options were to be trapped in the house with my mom that I don't get along with or go to rehab. I chose rehab. Some times I wonder if that wasn't a mistake.

I went to a 30 day treatment which wasn't too bad. Although I got bitched at by some guy because of how slow I was. I had become so slow and I wasn't aware of it. Next I went to a six month treatment program for women with children, where I got abused by the bitches from hell. 30 women and their horrible brats after the drugs had been taken away. The staff wasn't all that great either. I tried to report problems to them but no one ever cared.
After a month I got my children back. Originally the plan was for mom and dad to raise them. I cool with that plan because I knew I wasn't ready to handle kids. Well the god damn rehab saw dollar signs (the get extra money for your kids) and talked my parents into letting the rehab give them back to me. I would be in a supervised environment was their reasoning. I tried to protest but my opinion didn't matter.

Well surprise, surprise I couldn't handle them and kept having nervous break downs. Literal break downs where I would start screaming crying and shouting that I couldn't do it. Still even though the rehab knew this they still threw my kids on me. Not that I didn't love my kids but I knew something wasn't right with me. I just wasn't the same. Finally after 6 months of hell I decided to go to college. I kind of suspected that I was going to have trouble but I didn't have any proof yet. Well I couldn't even pass math my best class. I had some very difficult organization issues. I couldn't remember things any more, and I would confused as to what step I was on and skip around. I was fried and my brain was scrambled. My poor kids were still neglected and I couldn't clean or cook any more. I just couldn't handle it. I did try to cook but the kids would refuse to eat my food because it tasted like poison. They lived off daycare and school food.

I kept complaining to my psychiatrist that I was having really, really good days and really, really bad days. I meant as far as my ability to function. Well she heard bi polar from that statement. I wasn't convinced but I took the pills any way. Low and behold my mind started to clear up! I could finally remember how to do math again and I passed with 90%.

But I still struggled in other areas. Like writing. And my kids still weren't getting the proper care out of me that I knew they deserved. The shitty city schools couldn't handle them and they quickly fell behind. I tried to help them with their home work but I just couldn't. I was becoming more and more concerned for their future and well being.  There's a boarding school in this state that takes kids from poor families or families with situations. I started looking into the school. I had decided to put them in the school. Hilariously even though I had already decided that, my uncle takes credit for it since coincidentally he thought of it at the same time I did. In other words he believes it was all his idea. I let my family think that because it's no point in trying to show them any different. There just isn't. But he was a huge help with getting them in the school. In 2008 my kids were both enrolled and in a student home. That's when I got this bad idea that I could start smoking crack again since the kids weren't around any more.

For a while I was ok. I only smoked it like once or twice a month. But then I met this other crack head. He started feeding me crack and well I never went home. He and I were living out of my car and smoking day and night. I don't know how he was getting money but he always had some. He called it hustling. for give my ignorance but I still have no idea what that is to this day. Well I let him drive my car and of course the idiot hits a spike and the tire pops. So now I'm stuck in the ghetto on drugs and no shower for two weeks. My tolerance for crack at that time became so high that I wasn't even getting high any more. Now I was just miserable. I kept thinking I'm gonna die out here and no one's gonna know what happened to me. Then I had a realization. I wasn't having fun any more. The whole reason I wanted to smoke in the first place was to have fun. Well this wasn't it. I said fuck this shit! I called my dad, confessed to him what happened and begged him to please help me. Luckily for me he did exactly that.

He kicked the other crack head out of my car, fixed my tire and sent me home with 20 dollars of gas. I went home and took a huge shower! It felt awesome. I quite drugs and I never looked back. All I can remember is awful now. Not fun. Even if I did think about getting high I quickly remember how it's not worth it because my brain was so destroyed by the drugs. I just wasn't the same after it. Now my brain has healed a lot, but it will never go back to the way it was before the drugs. I still continued going to college. I aced math flunked every thing else. I had high test scores in electronics and was able to keep up with the home work, but those damn lab reports, I just couldn't write them. I just didn't know how. I don't know why but the damn lab reports are worth half your grade.

Because I was in a science major I kept thinking about the fact that there was no evidence to support my religion. In fact all the psychological studies pointed me in the opposite direction. There was so many facts that contradicted what I learned in my religion. We weren't creationists or anything like that but, still. If the creation story was wrong what else was wrong? Noah story? Fiction, Exodus, Fiction. Then I started watching youtube videos made by atheists. I thought I should really see what the opposition has to say. I looked at both sides, the christian claim and the atheist claim. For a while I called my self agnostic. I was pretty sure the christian god didn't exist or even he did there's no way  any one could call him a loving god. But I still didn't know that a god didn't exist.  Finally after looking at all the scientific evidence backing atheists up and zero evidence backing Christians up. I said well if the christian god doesn't exist why should I think any other god does. After all the whole concept of god is a man made one. You don't see flowers building temples and worshiping god. You don't see a single instance in nature that points to a god.

Yes I am in awe of nature. I still think nature is very beautiful and love it. But god is still a man made concept. It was just too much of a leap to think that a god or gods could be real. Unicorns aren't real. Vampires aren't real, and god's not real. Sorry kids Christmas is over.

Then once I took the plunge and became an atheist, I realized how many lies Christians told me about atheism. Here I am an atheist and I have no desire to go do drugs or murder children or rape a dog. I'm not evil I still have morals. And the lies have just been piling up since. In fact when I now look back on when I did believe there is no way I could have even comprehended what I comprehend now. I just didn't think in those terms. You really can't relate to an atheist until you become one.

because I was struggling so hard I suspected that I probably wasn't going to be able to handle working. I applied for SSDI. The first time I was denied. I didn't know to appeal it. I had no case manager and no guidance hell I didn't know what to do. Later I applied a second time and some one instructed me to appeal it. I was denied again. I appealed it went before a judge told my story and I won. So now I'm on SSDI.

In 2011 I had to drop out of college I just couldn't pass. I wish some one would have told me to hold off on it way back when but no one knew. So here I am now. Still suffering and struggling from the devastation and depression, the aftermath of drug use. My memory is shit now, I can't concentrate for long periods of time. I can't even stand to watch TV it's too boring. I'm getting better at reading and reading comprehension by ten fold then since I first got out of rehab. So I'll take some improvement (any) improvement I can get. Some of the improvements can definitely be attributed to meds and some of it is just nature healing my brain slowly over time.

Of course there's so much more to my story, I really didn't cover every thing but I included the most important things.

Hope you could stay awake long enough to read this. Your welcome.

Offline Baruch

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2017, 09:46:14 PM »
Thanks for taking the time, and making a separate thread.  Each of us have had interesting experiences, some happy and some sad.
שלום

Offline Cavebear

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2017, 03:19:01 AM »
Too long...
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!  b 1950

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2017, 03:34:13 AM »
As far as your book is concerned; there are a few spelling errors, but your story is clear and intact.

Wow doorknob, you lived a life in hell, Its amazing that after all that you kept your sanity. Good luck recovering from the drug use. Its not easy getting your life or your mind back after heavy drug use.Your comments on the forum have always had common sense. No one would guess the problems you have faced.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2017, 12:27:18 PM by fencerider »
not expecting god to show up, but if he does we’re going to have to beat the prick up.

Offline doorknob (OP)

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2017, 11:38:34 AM »
Too long...

I do totally understand. If I saw all that I probably wouldn't attempt to read it either.

Offline Cavebear

Re: My journey to atheism: Warning this is my auto biography.
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2017, 10:30:08 AM »
I do totally understand. If I saw all that I probably wouldn't attempt to read it either.

I should probably be kinder to ex-theists...  But even atheists get tired sometimes.
Atheist born, atheist bred.  And when I die, atheist dead!  b 1950