A few months later my ex contacted me. I was so lonely that I was happy to talk to him, I was still in love with him too. I knew something was wrong because he kept losing jobs and he never lost jobs before. He was homeless now, which I did think was strange. So he needed a place to stay. I welcomed him with open arms. But it wasn't long before the HELL began. A few days later he said to me "Have you never been curious about drugs?"
i said "No not really why?"
He said that his girlfriends sister and he were going to smoke some crack. He told me it wasn't a big deal. I wouldn't get addicted from only one time. Which might have been true but that wasn't how it stopped. I thought I was so miserable that what's the worse thing that could happen. YEAH WHAT INDEED! I was so naive and so arrogant. I thought drugs were no different than alcohol. I thought I could control it. I wasn't gonna be like every one else because I could control it. Yeah right! What an idiot I was.
Well every night after that manny decided to smoke every night after that. I have no idea how because he didn't have a car or a job, but he always had a rock when I got off work. I resented that he didn't work and I did. I thought that I deserved to have fun every night too! Yeah fun. Well it wasn't long before I was addicted. Now my whole life (I forgot to mention this sooner) off and on I was a shop lifter. I quit for some years but then I started again for some reason. I had never got caught before and I thought I was pretty slick. I knew where cameras couldn't see me and I detagged the items I wanted which were mostly dvds for the kids at that time. I would always purchase something so I wouldn't look suspicious. I got away with it for years and years and years.
At first because I had a really good credit card I didn't need to steal. I just ran the credit card up to support our habits. Then eventually I lost my car. After that Manny and I were in a shoplifting ring with his girlfriend whom he talked me into letting me move in. Some one would drive we would hide the license plate Two of us would go in stuff a bag full of dvds and then just walk out. I got sloppy in other words. We just didn't care any more, the drug was too important. then we would run out the door jump in the car and drive away. I did this my entire drug career and I was only caught 3 times even though we did this like every day. Every day would we would smoke an 8 ball. We did this for 6 months!
Well soon I lost my job. Then I couldn't wake up in time to take my kids to school. My kids were curious and walked in a few times while I was smoking. Luckily they were very young and do not remember this at all. Things were going from bad to worse! I took the kids in late and one of the teachers made a comment."thanks for bringing your kids to school today." I don't know if he was being smart or what but he didn't sound sarcastic he sounded genuine. But you don't thank a parent for bringing their kids to school? It's the parents job to get them their.
Then I told manny "We have to get these kids out of here. They can't be here any more." So we sent them to stay with his sister. Which my family was very pissed about. For some reason the thought that they would never see them again really had them upset. Which kind of surprised me considering before they acted like they didn't give a shit. They even said they wouldn't ever help me with anything so don't even ask. Which I never did. They had an easy addiction with me 'cause I never stole or ask for money from them. They were like me. They knew something was wrong but had no clue as to what. There were never any other drug addicts in the family so they didn't know.
Well It's a very good thing we did. We soon couldn't pay the electric bill or the rent. We had to take ice cold showers every day and smoke in the dark. At some point I started using heroin even though manny tried to stop me. He was already a heroin user and knew how bad it was.
I use to pray to god every night to please make it end, please save me from this living hell. The car we had been using was my dads. I was getting evicted the next day. My plan was to live in the car. Well that plan died because every one, Manny and this other guy that we had been paling around with got caught. The car was towed away. When I was released I had to call my parents and explain to them what was going on. My options were to be trapped in the house with my mom that I don't get along with or go to rehab. I chose rehab. Some times I wonder if that wasn't a mistake.
I went to a 30 day treatment which wasn't too bad. Although I got bitched at by some guy because of how slow I was. I had become so slow and I wasn't aware of it. Next I went to a six month treatment program for women with children, where I got abused by the bitches from hell. 30 women and their horrible brats after the drugs had been taken away. The staff wasn't all that great either. I tried to report problems to them but no one ever cared.
After a month I got my children back. Originally the plan was for mom and dad to raise them. I cool with that plan because I knew I wasn't ready to handle kids. Well the god damn rehab saw dollar signs (the get extra money for your kids) and talked my parents into letting the rehab give them back to me. I would be in a supervised environment was their reasoning. I tried to protest but my opinion didn't matter.
Well surprise, surprise I couldn't handle them and kept having nervous break downs. Literal break downs where I would start screaming crying and shouting that I couldn't do it. Still even though the rehab knew this they still threw my kids on me. Not that I didn't love my kids but I knew something wasn't right with me. I just wasn't the same. Finally after 6 months of hell I decided to go to college. I kind of suspected that I was going to have trouble but I didn't have any proof yet. Well I couldn't even pass math my best class. I had some very difficult organization issues. I couldn't remember things any more, and I would confused as to what step I was on and skip around. I was fried and my brain was scrambled. My poor kids were still neglected and I couldn't clean or cook any more. I just couldn't handle it. I did try to cook but the kids would refuse to eat my food because it tasted like poison. They lived off daycare and school food.
I kept complaining to my psychiatrist that I was having really, really good days and really, really bad days. I meant as far as my ability to function. Well she heard bi polar from that statement. I wasn't convinced but I took the pills any way. Low and behold my mind started to clear up! I could finally remember how to do math again and I passed with 90%.
But I still struggled in other areas. Like writing. And my kids still weren't getting the proper care out of me that I knew they deserved. The shitty city schools couldn't handle them and they quickly fell behind. I tried to help them with their home work but I just couldn't. I was becoming more and more concerned for their future and well being. There's a boarding school in this state that takes kids from poor families or families with situations. I started looking into the school. I had decided to put them in the school. Hilariously even though I had already decided that, my uncle takes credit for it since coincidentally he thought of it at the same time I did. In other words he believes it was all his idea. I let my family think that because it's no point in trying to show them any different. There just isn't. But he was a huge help with getting them in the school. In 2008 my kids were both enrolled and in a student home. That's when I got this bad idea that I could start smoking crack again since the kids weren't around any more.
For a while I was ok. I only smoked it like once or twice a month. But then I met this other crack head. He started feeding me crack and well I never went home. He and I were living out of my car and smoking day and night. I don't know how he was getting money but he always had some. He called it hustling. for give my ignorance but I still have no idea what that is to this day. Well I let him drive my car and of course the idiot hits a spike and the tire pops. So now I'm stuck in the ghetto on drugs and no shower for two weeks. My tolerance for crack at that time became so high that I wasn't even getting high any more. Now I was just miserable. I kept thinking I'm gonna die out here and no one's gonna know what happened to me. Then I had a realization. I wasn't having fun any more. The whole reason I wanted to smoke in the first place was to have fun. Well this wasn't it. I said fuck this shit! I called my dad, confessed to him what happened and begged him to please help me. Luckily for me he did exactly that.
He kicked the other crack head out of my car, fixed my tire and sent me home with 20 dollars of gas. I went home and took a huge shower! It felt awesome. I quite drugs and I never looked back. All I can remember is awful now. Not fun. Even if I did think about getting high I quickly remember how it's not worth it because my brain was so destroyed by the drugs. I just wasn't the same after it. Now my brain has healed a lot, but it will never go back to the way it was before the drugs. I still continued going to college. I aced math flunked every thing else. I had high test scores in electronics and was able to keep up with the home work, but those damn lab reports, I just couldn't write them. I just didn't know how. I don't know why but the damn lab reports are worth half your grade.
Because I was in a science major I kept thinking about the fact that there was no evidence to support my religion. In fact all the psychological studies pointed me in the opposite direction. There was so many facts that contradicted what I learned in my religion. We weren't creationists or anything like that but, still. If the creation story was wrong what else was wrong? Noah story? Fiction, Exodus, Fiction. Then I started watching youtube videos made by atheists. I thought I should really see what the opposition has to say. I looked at both sides, the christian claim and the atheist claim. For a while I called my self agnostic. I was pretty sure the christian god didn't exist or even he did there's no way any one could call him a loving god. But I still didn't know that a god didn't exist. Finally after looking at all the scientific evidence backing atheists up and zero evidence backing Christians up. I said well if the christian god doesn't exist why should I think any other god does. After all the whole concept of god is a man made one. You don't see flowers building temples and worshiping god. You don't see a single instance in nature that points to a god.
Yes I am in awe of nature. I still think nature is very beautiful and love it. But god is still a man made concept. It was just too much of a leap to think that a god or gods could be real. Unicorns aren't real. Vampires aren't real, and god's not real. Sorry kids Christmas is over.
Then once I took the plunge and became an atheist, I realized how many lies Christians told me about atheism. Here I am an atheist and I have no desire to go do drugs or murder children or rape a dog. I'm not evil I still have morals. And the lies have just been piling up since. In fact when I now look back on when I did believe there is no way I could have even comprehended what I comprehend now. I just didn't think in those terms. You really can't relate to an atheist until you become one.
because I was struggling so hard I suspected that I probably wasn't going to be able to handle working. I applied for SSDI. The first time I was denied. I didn't know to appeal it. I had no case manager and no guidance hell I didn't know what to do. Later I applied a second time and some one instructed me to appeal it. I was denied again. I appealed it went before a judge told my story and I won. So now I'm on SSDI.
In 2011 I had to drop out of college I just couldn't pass. I wish some one would have told me to hold off on it way back when but no one knew. So here I am now. Still suffering and struggling from the devastation and depression, the aftermath of drug use. My memory is shit now, I can't concentrate for long periods of time. I can't even stand to watch TV it's too boring. I'm getting better at reading and reading comprehension by ten fold then since I first got out of rehab. So I'll take some improvement (any) improvement I can get. Some of the improvements can definitely be attributed to meds and some of it is just nature healing my brain slowly over time.
Of course there's so much more to my story, I really didn't cover every thing but I included the most important things.
Hope you could stay awake long enough to read this. Your welcome.