Behaviors and actions of domestic abusers to look out for

[widdershins]

I just read an article and, at the end, it had a list of behaviors and actions to look out for as signs of domestic abuse (the article was specifically about "your teenage kid") and it struck me just HOW MANY of these are, or at least could be, true of God/any given church.  Here they are:

According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, these are behaviors and actions of domestic abusers to look out for in your teenager’s relationships and your own:

    Telling you that you can never do anything right - Not without God's help, anyway.
    Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away - He is a jealous God and will tolerate NO other gods.
    Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members - In a church they call people you shouldn't see "bad influences".
    Insulting, demeaning or shaming you with put-downs - The people in a church rarely see this, but believe that only God gives them worth; they, by themselves, are worthless.
    Controlling every penny spent in the household - Finally, one that's not entirely accurate!  God wants your money, but he doesn't control 90% of it.  We have a "sort of"!
    Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses - Tithes and offerings.  God DEMANDS 10%, but good people give more.
    Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you - Is Hell scary enough for you?
    Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do - Again with the "bad influences" or, more accurately in this case, "bad atmosphere", as it was put in my church.
    Preventing you from making your own decisions - You can make your own decisions in church...as long as they follow the rules.  So this is another "sort of".
    Telling you you’re a bad parent/threatening to harm/take away children - Surprisingly this one doesn't usually apply.  It would be more of an "asshat pastor" thing than a religion thing.
    Preventing you from working or attending school - True only of some of the more extreme religions.
    Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets - Another one that doesn't apply!  That's TWO!
    Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons - I'm pretty sure a "lake of fire" counts as a weapon.
    Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to - Another one that's true only of some of the more extreme religions, like Islam.
    Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol - I know he called it "Jesus Juice", but Michael wasn't really a religious leader.  A third that doesn't really apply.

So, 15 "warning signs".  Out of those, 3 really don't apply at all, 2 apply generally only in more extreme religions and 2 only sort-of apply.  Best case, a relationship with God shows just over HALF the warning signs you're in an abusive relationship.  Worst case, 80% of the warning signs.

[Blackleaf]

Sounds like my mother.

Insulting, demeaning or shaming you with put-downs - The people in a church rarely see this, but believe that only God gives them worth; they, by themselves, are worthless.

People in church will also shame you if you appear to step out of line of their interpretation of holiness. I remember one time I was talking about the "Taken" movie, and said that if I was a father and someone kidnapped my kid, I would kill people to save them. Then someone who wasn't even involved in the conversation stepped in and said that it's never right to kill people. Uhh, have you even read the Bible, Sir McHighhorse? This wasn't the only time I've seen this kind of thing happened either.

Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do - Again with the "bad influences" or, more accurately in this case, "bad atmosphere", as it was put in my church.

What you wear, what holidays you observe, what books you read...

Preventing you from making your own decisions - You can make your own decisions in church...as long as they follow the rules.  So this is another "sort of".

I think you're being a little too easy on Christians here. You're supposed to go to church at least once a week, although you're not really spiritual unless you come on the weekdays too. You don't wear your hat in the auditorium. You stand when everyone stands, sit when every sits, sing along to all the songs, recite the creeds when prompted, drink the grape juice and eat the wafers, listen attentively to the sermon, and race for the exit when the service is over. But you do get to decide what flavor coffee you want from the cafe.

Telling you you’re a bad parent/threatening to harm/take away children - Surprisingly this one doesn't usually apply.  It would be more of an "asshat pastor" thing than a religion thing.

Again, I think you're being too easy on them. Got a gay kid? Bad parent. Don't spank your kids? Bad parent. Don't drag your kids to Sunday school every week? Bad parent. Let your boys play with "girl toys?" Are you TRYING to make them gay!?

Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets - Another one that doesn't apply!  That's TWO!

Well, there was that whole Job thing when God allowed Satan to kill all of his lifestock, servants, and children. And when God threw a hissy fit, turning the Israelites into slaves and letting Jerusalem be destroyed.

[trdsf]

    Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets - Another one that doesn't apply!  That's TWO!

I wouldn't rule this one out.  I was told by my own mother that the reason I was having a rough financial patch was because god was trying to get my attention.  I of course asked her why her god could take the time to cause financial stress to one guy, but can't be bothered to do anything for tens of thousands of children with cancer.

It should come as no surprise that we haven't spoken in six years.

[Blackleaf]

I wouldn't rule this one out.  I was told by my own mother that the reason I was having a rough financial patch was because god was trying to get my attention.  I of course asked her why her god could take the time to cause financial stress to one guy, but can't be bothered to do anything for tens of thousands of children with cancer.

It should come as no surprise that we haven't spoken in six years.

Ah. I see your mother must be one of the holy prophets, able to speak for God himself. Those aren't quite as rare as they used to be.

[trdsf]

Ah. I see your mother must be one of the holy prophets, able to speak for God himself. Those aren't quite as rare as they used to be.

She's not, but she sure thinks she is.  I don't really care what she wants to believe herself, but when she says she's not going to stop shoving it down my throat until I'm a church-goer again, she crosses the line.  All she needs to do is grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for her mouth, and I'll allow her back into my life again... but realistically I have no expectation of ever seeing her alive again.  She's that wrapped up in herself -- the entire universe has to orbit around her.

The real tragedy is, she used to be a good person.

[Cavebear]

It is really sad when otherwise good people get so drowned in religious fears that they ruin their lives and drive loved ones away.