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Chapter One

One day, in the afterlife, I met a guy. We shared a table in a little diner. He told me I could call him, "J.C." His friend stood nearby, holding a sign that read, “The End is Near.”

In an attempt to be friendly, I asked J.C. if he was preaching Love today.

He answered, “Yes, I am preaching Love today!”

I said, “Peace be with you.” 

He responded, “Have you heard the Truth?.”

I said, “Let me stop you right there, J.C., don't try to corrupt this nice discussion of morality that we're having, with some kind of mythology.” 

He looked puzzled for a moment, like it had been quite some time, since anybody questioned him. “Who do you think that I am?” he asked.

I answered, “I don't know.” Then I countered, “Who do you think that you are?”

That shut him up. And we sat at the table in quiet.

Chapter Two

So I broke the silence, “Healed any vaginal-emissions lately?”

He looked a little embarrassed  as he answered, “No.”

I asked him, “If I have faith will my dick get bigger?”

“No,” he said.

Then I got bold and said, “Tell me, J.C., when was the last time you got some?”

He said, “NOYB.”

I said, “Fair enough. Can you help me get some?”

He said, “How averse are you to paying for it?”

“J.C.!” I exclaimed, “You surprise me!”

“Just be careful to use a good quality rubber,” he advised. “STD's have an afterlife too, you know.”

“What about saving myself for marriage?” I asked.

“Are you?” he responded.

“No.” I said

“It's just as well,” he said. “Afterlife women are too smart to make vows, especially when there's no more death to part us.”

Make the diner a "Waffle House".  I'll have the Texas Cheesesteak Melt with hash browns smothered covered and peppered and a large coke.

Quote from: Desdinova on April 17, 2015, 03:40:35 PM
Make the diner a "Waffle House".  I'll have the Texas Cheesesteak Melt with hash browns smothered covered and peppered and a large coke.

You are welcome to order whatever you want at the diner, I would imagine, but the Coke they gave me, looked like a medium. I think it was technically a large, but either way, it really hit the spot.

Kind of confused here, sorry :s

Quote from: Mr.Obvious on April 19, 2015, 02:15:29 AM
Kind of confused here, sorry :s

Thank you for saying so. I figure everybody is. The first chapter is based on a dream , I had, in which a guy in a diner seemed to think he was Jesus. I just changed the dream, to "the afterlife," and took it from there.

I'm envisioning J.C. as a much older and more mature soul, who regrets some of his shenanigans (like faith-healing), now that he's seen the reality of the afterlife. I thought maybe i could get into the ways that his words have been twisted. My aim is to be funny, and thought provoking. It's just a start, but I was anxious to share, and I thought it might work well as installments, like a serial.

It has to be pretty boring up there, in the afterlife that is, when the only people present are REALLY, REALLY good Christians. I mean, you're spending an eternity with these people, from across the last two thousand years, and God only knows which Christians made it into heaven after all.



"This post reminds me, just a little, of my own excursion into...I don't know what to call it...holy satire, maybe?

Mine is called "An Afterlife Chat with J.C." I thought I might add to it over time, but I haven't had the inspiration.

If you like it, leave a reply, and revive the thread:
http://atheistforums.com/index.php?topic=7554.0" - Solomon Zorn

(http://cdn.humoropedia.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Holy-Batman-Quotes.jpg)

Nice.  IF there was a jesus to begin with...

Quote from: Cavebear on April 07, 2017, 01:31:54 AM
Nice.  IF there was a jesus to begin with...

No counter-factual hypotheticals for you then!

I often try to come up with a mental outline of meeting the real deity, and he's somehow not all that everyone expects, with entirely different objectives and personal foibles as well.  It's just a daydream, and I never go anywhere with it.  Don't even know what his objectives would be.  Still, I think the premise might be a good one in the right hands.

I have had a couple magical "conversations" with our jesus friend. And in each scenario, he looks exactly like the Euro-jesus and not the jew jesus....odd that eh? How odd indeed.

Quote from: SGOS on April 09, 2017, 05:34:54 PM
I often try to come up with a mental outline of meeting the real deity, and he's somehow not all that everyone expects, with entirely different objectives and personal foibles as well.  It's just a daydream, and I never go anywhere with it.  Don't even know what his objectives would be.  Still, I think the premise might be a good one in the right hands.

See Bible and Quran.  Both are made up of exactly what you propose.

Quote from: Baruch on April 09, 2017, 07:49:37 PM
See Bible and Quran.  Both are made up of exactly what you propose.

In my daydream, God is very explicit about the fact that he had nothing to do with the Bible, and that his personality and interests are usually contradictory with the Bible description.  Not that he's evil at all.  He's actually quite a likeable fellow.  It's just that he's not the god men have described.  I have no further details, and have no idea where the story goes beyond that.

Quote from: SGOS on April 09, 2017, 09:04:08 PM
In my daydream, God is very explicit about the fact that he had nothing to do with the Bible, and that his personality and interests are usually contradictory with the Bible description.  Not that he's evil at all.  He's actually quite a likeable fellow.  It's just that he's not the god men have described.  I have no further details, and have no idea where the story goes beyond that.

Look in mirror.  When we choose our own god, he/she always looks a lot like ourselves ;-)

Quote from: Baruch on April 09, 2017, 09:41:27 PM
Look in mirror.  When we choose our own god, he/she always looks a lot like ourselves ;-)

When I was ten or so, in my dream (not a daydream, but an actual asleep dream) God appeared before me in the form of my grandfather wearing his usual dark gray suit, a terrifying enough man without being an actual god.  He walked into my bedroom and just stood there watching me.  He didn't say anything.  He just watched me.  I woke up in a heavy sweat.  No; God is not me.  He's my grandfather.  And if I'm right, we are all fucked.

In my vague just-before-sleep imaginings, there is a deity that doesn't care anything about us, is utterly inscrutable, vaguely knows we exist, and is doesn't mess with our lives in the least bit.

Then I awaken and find the whole idea of a deity ridiculous and completely unnecessary to our existence.  The awakened life is SO much better than the sleeping/dreaming one!

Quote from: Cavebear on April 12, 2017, 05:21:45 AM
In my vague just-before-sleep imaginings, there is a deity that doesn't care anything about us, is utterly inscrutable, vaguely knows we exist, and is doesn't mess with our lives in the least bit.

Then I awaken and find the whole idea of a deity ridiculous and completely unnecessary to our existence.  The awakened life is SO much better than the sleeping/dreaming one!

Exactly what Epicurus taught 2300 years ago.  He also supported atomic theory/materialism ... and allowed women students in his philosophy school.