We had this thread on TTA back when the forum was still up, it was pretty popular back then so I figure I might start it over here too and see if people like the idea.
Post your best offensive jokes in this thread. I'll start!
I had to take a biology exam the other day. One of the questions in the exam was "Name something commonly found in cells." Apparently, "black people" wasn't the right answer.
Did you day you are from 'southern' Bavaria??
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 25, 2019, 11:10:26 PM
Did you day you are from 'southern' Bavaria??
That's right. Why do you ask?
Quote from: Halkenburg on January 25, 2019, 11:33:38 PM
That's right. Why do you ask?
That joke would be popular in the 'southern' part of this country.
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 25, 2019, 11:42:41 PM
That joke would be popular in the 'southern' part of this country.
Hope I didn't cause any genuine offense. I don't have bad intentions. :-/
While I would say many people are much too sensitive about race jokes, the use of the N word is a bit excessive. I'd have a few questions about people who'd think this was funny. There was a guy here before. Big troll, and white supremacist. He made a similar thread before he eventually got banned. I'm sure you're not like this guy, but a good comedian has to know his audience. Know what he can get away with, and what will get him burned at the stake.
Quote from: Blackleaf on January 26, 2019, 12:42:48 AM
While I would say many people are much too sensitive about race jokes, the use of the N word is a bit excessive. I'd have a few questions about people who'd think this was funny. There was a guy here before. Big troll, and white supremacist. He made a similar thread before he eventually got banned. I'm sure you're not like this guy, but a good comedian has to know his audience. Know what he can get away with, and what will get him burned at the stake.
My bad, I edited out the n-word and replaced it with "black people." Hope that makes it more acceptable! On TTA, this sort of humor was well-liked, but I realize that this place has its own set of views and principles.
My idea of a tasteless joke.
What is the name of an armless, legless person in your swimming pool? Bob. On your front porch? Matt.
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? So they can rape monkeys. What is the worst sound a monkey can hear? Sprong-sprong.............
(From the era of the elephant jokes) Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in the strawberry patch.
Why do elephants have big balls? They like to dance.
From the era of the ethnic jokes. Why do fly's have wings? To beat (insert any group) to the trash cans.
What is the smallest book in the world? (Insert any group) book of war heroes.
What does a (insert any group)bride wear to her wedding? A bowling shirt.
We had a thread like this before. There are very few offensive jokes that I like, and it turns out that most people despite the occasional guffaw don't really like them either. Eventually I just shut it down as a bad idea. I have a feeling this will have the same success.
Quote from: Halkenburg on January 26, 2019, 12:49:39 AM
My bad, I edited out the n-word and replaced it with "black people." Hope that makes it more acceptable! On TTA, this sort of humor was well-liked, but I realize that this place has its own set of views and principles.
"negro" is perfectly OK in Spanish. Too bad Anglophones have no humor.
Quote from: aitm on January 26, 2019, 09:47:25 AM
We had a thread like this before. There are very few offensive jokes that I like, and it turns out that most people despite the occasional guffaw don't really like them either. Eventually I just shut it down as a bad idea. I have a feeling this will have the same success.
Probably so. Mostly politics here is a joke, and nobody is enjoying it ;-(
As the token theist ... here is mine ...
Texans are naturally obnoxious. The other people around him hate him (he isn't in Texas). So they drug him, and place him in a fresh open grave at the local cemetery. When the Texan wakes up, he stands up in the grave, looks around, and doesn't see anyone else ... he says "Glory be it is resurrection day, and Texans are first!".
I can say this because I am Texan and a theist.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
[Spoiler=Answer]It doesn't matter what you call it. It isn't coming.[/spoiler]
Why do orphans suck at baseball?
[Spoiler=Answer]Because they can't find home.[/spoiler]
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Spoiler=Answer]It doesn't matter how many cops there are. They just beat the room for being black and arrest the lightbulb for being broke.[/spoiler]
What's the difference between me and cancer?
[Spoiler=Answer]My dad didn't beat cancer.[/spoiler]
Quote from: Mike Cl on January 26, 2019, 09:27:07 AM
My idea of a tasteless joke.
What is the name of an armless, legless person in your swimming pool? Bob. On your front porch? Matt.
In the sky over Baghdad?
Sam
Do vegans eat pussy?
Why did Monica Lewinski move to Cuba?
She heard Castro had bigger cigars.
These jokes are great. Keep 'em coming, guys. :D
How about limericks? Anyone got any good ones?
Here's one from my days at JREF:
One drop of this golden elixir
(And perhaps just a small bit of mixer),
He'll be ready for sex
With lingual effects
'Cause 'is girlfriend just loves when 'e licks 'er.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
The canoe will eventually tip.
Quote from: Hijiri Byakuren on January 27, 2019, 06:48:26 PM
The canoe will eventually tip.
If the canoe tips it can fly
Frontier Airlines (https://www.cnbc.com/2019/01/11/budget-airline-frontier-asks-passengers-to-tip-their-flight-attendant.html)!
What's te best thing about having sex with twenty-eight year olds?
[spoiler]there are twenty of them.[/spoiler]
How is virginity like a soap bubble?
[spoiler]One prick and it is gone.[/spoiler]
1. How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
2. What was David Bowie’s last hit?
Probably heroin.
3. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?
You can’t take a joke.
4. What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
5. I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
6. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
7. Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
8. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
9. What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
10. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
Well, you got to hand it to her.
11. Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
12. A daughter asked her mother, “Mom, how do you spell ‘scrotum’?â€
Her mom replied, “Honey, you should have asked me last nightâ€"it was on the tip of my tongue.â€
13. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
14. Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
15. What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
16. What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
17. How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
18. Why are women like KFC?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
19. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
20. What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A PDF File.
21. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
22. How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
23. How is virginity like a soap bubble?
One prick and it is gone.
24. I added Paul walker on Xbox…
But he spends all his time on the dashboard.
25. How did the leper hockey game end?
There was a face off in the corner.
26. Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
27. Real men don’t wear pink…
They eat it.
28. How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
29. Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?
Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?
30. What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?
They both smell it but they can’t eat it.
31. What do pimps and farmers have in common?
They both need a hoe to stay in business.
32. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
33. What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
34. What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.
35. Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
36. My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex…
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
37. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
38. What’s the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after 3 periods.
39. What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole.
40. I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
41. What is the best part of a blowjob?
Ten minutes of peace and quiet.
42. I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.
She said she didn’t have time.
43. Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
44. Say what you want about pedophiles…
But at least they drive slow through the school zones.
45. What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
46. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
47. What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs?
Names.
48. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A tearjerker.
49. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
50. After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
Munch, you know this last posting, would be a pre-crime in GB now? It would even be a pre-crime to "like" it.
Quote41. What is the best part of a blowjob?
Ten minutes of peace and quiet.
This joke is very amusing, in that (at least) one of the people involved in it seems to lack stamina. Or is that just me?
Quote3. What’s the difference between a joke and two dicks?
You can’t take a joke.
I didn't get this one. I can't take a joke?
Quote from: drunkenshoe on January 28, 2019, 08:00:50 AM
I didn't get this one. I can't take a joke?
It implies that you
can take two dicks.
"Not being able to joke" meaning that when people make a joke at your expense, you get angry or offended or whatever.
Quote from: Plu on January 28, 2019, 08:37:56 AM
It implies that you can take two dicks.
"Not being able to joke" meaning that when people make a joke at your expense, you get angry or offended or whatever.
Ah. Ok, lol.
I said "I can't take a joke?", because I thought may be if I don't get the joke that means 'I can't take a joke' according to the joke, because it says "You can't take a joke".
Quote from: Plu on January 28, 2019, 07:12:21 AM
This joke is very amusing, in that (at least) one of the people involved in it seems to lack stamina. Or is that just me?
I dunno how long you'd expect me to last.
Your Mom has good technique.
;)
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on January 28, 2019, 10:09:19 AM
I dunno how long you'd expect me to last.
Your Mom has good technique.
;)
Pfft. You're just making excuses.
(https://scontent-bru2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/54255616_10216355182929763_7293490703588392960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-bru2-1.xx&oh=53bb2cc956b0bec568a0348dfd4124ea&oe=5D137EF7)
Quote from: Mr.Obvious on March 12, 2019, 07:31:54 AM
(https://scontent-bru2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/54255616_10216355182929763_7293490703588392960_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-bru2-1.xx&oh=53bb2cc956b0bec568a0348dfd4124ea&oe=5D137EF7)
I know that code! That is part of the punched tape stored program for early Star Trek games on an ASW-33 teletype, from when I was in HS ;-) That game allowed the neatest tactical move. Turn based play. But yourself directly between two Klingon ships, then warp out of there. They end up shooting each other!
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
(https://i.imgflip.com/2p0p4p.jpg)
My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 AM last night. Can you believe that? Fortunately I was still up playing my accordion.
He started shouting “Can we have a little respect please?â€
So I yelled back I wasn’t a big Aretha Franklin fan, but I’ll try to learn it for next time.